Photo by Simon Pais-Thomas
A lot of women are completely blind to the connection between the way they act and the way their husband acts. They just can't figure out why he's changed into this less than ideal husband that they don't really know or understand. Not all men turn into jerks, that's for sure, but all of them withdraw emotionally in some way or another when their women unwittingly stomp all over them.
You have a lot more control than you think. While you can't force your husband to do anything and trying to is unhealthy for your relationship, you can control the way you act. And the way you act affects the way he feels and the way he feels affects the way he acts and that affects the way you feel. Do you see the cycle?
This week we'll talk about number 10. (I'm going in reverse order because that's what David Letterman does, and it works for him.)
10.) Act as though you assume that he is stupid and doesn't know what he is doing.
Most wives don't think that they are acting in a way that assumes their husbands are stupid and don't know what they are doing. But many husbands feel that way about their wives. And when a husband feels as though his wife considers him incompetent and stupid he withdraws. He will stop engaging in conversation. He may spend more quality time with his hobbies. He may be gone more often, for longer periods of time. No one wants to be where they feel they aren't wanted or needed. And you end up angry and frustrated with his absence, not knowing how you have contributed to his withdrawal.
Remember, as Heather discussed last week, your husband needs to feel that you respect him. What seems to you an innocent comment can seem to him an attack upon his intelligence and competence.
This is easiest to illustrate with a couple of common examples.
Example 1.
The two of you are driving somewhere together and suddenly he turns the wrong way. You expected him to go right and he goes left. You may not start yelling, "Where are you going? Are you lost? Stop the car! You're going the wrong way!" Which, by the way, if you are in the habit of doing that you should really stop it. He wishes you would. I promise you that.
Photo by Paulo Brabo
But do you allow yourself to say something like, "Isn't it that way?" or "The directions say we're supposed to take a left why are you going right?"
To a man who is just pulling over to get gas, this can very easily come off sounding as though you don't think that he can get from point A to point B on his own and that you don't trust him to do it right. For him, the fact that you have to question him at all means that you don't trust him.
It depends on the man of course. And it depends on you too. Some men are more sensitive to this than others, and some women are more undermining with their comments than others as well.
Example 2
Photo by mnd.cntrl
He has lost his keys. He is upset. He is looking for them.
Following him around and talking to him like he is a 6 year old probably won't help.
"Where did you last see them? Did you check there? How about in your pockets?"
Even if you are trying to be helpful, stop for a minute and think about how insane those kinds of questions would make you if the situation were reversed. Of course he's checked his pockets. How old do you think he is?
So what can you do?
When he does something unexpected, try saying nothing and waiting a few minutes. That's probably all the time it will take for you to figure out what he is up to. And you didn't have to irritate him or undermine him in the process.
Yes, there are those moments when he is going the wrong way, or did forget the exit. But in the big picture of your marriage vs. sticking to a tight schedule, would you rather risk the schedule or making him feel like you think he's stupid?
If you want to offer helpful questions, stop and think about how you would feel about the same questions if you were he and you cared about whether or not your wife believed you were competent.
Remember when you talk about things to let your words reflect your awareness that he knows what he is talking about. You may feel silly trying it, as if it should be obvious. You may discover that it's not obvious to him.
Photo by Rogiro
Above all, take the time to remind yourself of all the ways that your husband is competent and trustworthy and keep them in mind when you talk. And by all means, discuss it with him and ask him if there is anything you say or do that makes him feel as though you don't believe in him. Your words matter to him more than you may think, but not always the words that you are paying attention to.
Carrien-She Laughs at the Days
Is it hard to trust your husband sometimes? Do you think he knows what he's doing most of the time? Does he know that you believe in him? Tell us more at The League of Extraordinary Wives.
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It's important that both people in the relationship realize that the person they are with are adults and that they need respect. It's hard! Especially when you're used to dealing with your children a lot, to understand that your spouse is not one of them.
Good post!
I do the car key thing ALL the time! Thanks so much for this information! I *was* being annoying and didn't even realize it.
10.) Act as though you assume that he is stupid and doesn’t know what he is doing.
I'm guilty of this. We were married and now divorced. I wish we could have worked it out but I had so many problems including that, it was complicated. I sold the ring he bought me on http://www.idonowidont.com and eventually got over it but I wish I had advice like this back then! *Sigh*
This is brilliant. The philosophy so matches mine, love your scenarios – making a man "wrong" is the thing we women do that most absolutely works against a relationship.
You've said it very clearly here – thank you. Rori
i can vividly recall a recent occasion when we got in a little "discussion" because he clearly didn't need my help with directions….thanks for the advice! Now I know how he felt and what to do in the future…and that gives me great hope