#8 Don't say exactly what you want and then get angry and upset when no one does it for you.
photo by Kaitlin M
We learned to talk like this from our mothers, our grandmothers. It's a sort of sneaky way to express a need without really asking for anything. When it works, and it sometimes does, we feel great. But most often it backfires and leaves confusion and bitterness in its wake. Flylady refers to this as womanspeak.
Example #1
What you say. "It's cold in here."What you might mean. "Will you please turn on the heat?"
"Please get me a blanket."
"Please bring that smoking hot body of yours over here and cuddle with me to warm me up."
When he does nothing do you get upset? Are you disappointed? Do you respond with sulking or sarcasm? Do you give him the silent treatment? You were hoping for some action from him, but you didn't get what you wanted because you didn't ask.
photo by mura "
Of course, it's safer not to lay it all out there. It involves risk. He could say no. You might feel slighted. You could just make a general statement and then if he doesn't respond it's not embarrassing.
It's too bad no one has invented a way to make relationships healthy and strong without some one needing to take a risk and become vulnerable. But until they do, you're stuck with risk, which builds trust, which builds the confidence to risk more.
photo by Dia™
Example #2
What you say, "I shouldn't eat that. I'm getting fat."What you may mean. "I'm feeling insecure about my appearance today. I'm wondering if you have noticed my sagging behind and if you are repulsed by it. I need some reassurance that you still love me the way I am."
When he responds to what you actually say with, "Yep." Or non-committal grunting, you are upset and he is mystified.
Example #3
What you say. "We have people coming in an hour."What you mean. "I need you to get up from in front of the TV and help me around the house because I'm afraid I won't be ready in time and I'll feel embarrassed. Plus the sight of you sitting there doing nothing while I am in such a panic is irksome to me.
Well, maybe you should skip saying that last sentence out loud. Are you starting to get the idea?
Here's one more.
Example #4
What you say. "Is everything alright?"What you mean. "I don't feel like everything is all right. And the way you are acting right now makes me feel a little insecure. Will you please tell me what's going on?"
Maybe it's set up this way on purpose, his not being a mind reader and you needing to learn to say what you mean. We wish he would anticipate and respond to our needs without us having to say anything. After all, women tend to be good at anticipating the needs of others. But as a general group, we're not so good at asking for help. Consider your husband's lack of clairvoyance an opportunity for you to grow stronger in this area.
photo by addicted Eyes
Your husband will thank you, and you may have reason to thank you too.
carrien-she laughs at the days
Do you say what you mean or do you drop hints? Extraordinary Wives, let's take this to The League!
Not a member of The League of Extraordinary Wives? E-mail us at wedblissfully@gmail.com for an invitation.
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I think that this is directly linked (at least for me) with the inability to recognize what "needs to be done around the house" unless it's something major. Perhaps it's all guys, or just me, but it's more difficult for me to see exactly what the problem is most of the time. My tolerance for disarray must be much higher.
Better, always, to say what you mean and mean what you say.
I haven't been much of a commenter, but when a couple of days ago I found this series you started, I just had to write and say well done. I have enjoyed going back and reading numbers 10 and 9 of these things our husbands wish we wouldn't do, and I can't wait for number 7. I was wondering how often you post these. I keep checking back to see if the next number is posted yet.
Anyway, thanks for the great writing. You should write a book some time. You have a great, engaging style.
Thanks Sherry, I appreciate your comment.
The 10 things series posts once a week. Usually wed. or thurs.
I'm glad you're enjoying it.