Indigo by simon-pais thomas
Again we're talking about the things that wives do that make their men clam up and withdraw. (For the first installment go here.) Here's the next thing that we do to our men that they wish we wouldn't do.
#9-Complain about how he never helps around the house, and when he does tell him he did it wrong.
photo by stephen poff
Let's start with the complaining.
Lots of women don't think their husbands help enough at home. As long as there is work to do and more than one person to do it, people will feel that they are doing more than their fair share. It's human nature.
Here are some questions for you to think about:
- Is it his home too? Or does he come home to a space that he may help pay for but has no room for him in it?
- Do you consider his preferences when decorating?
- Do you consider his comfort, as well as yours, when you are arranging rooms?
- Is your home a place where the things he brings into it are inconvenient, out of place, underfoot and messing up the general order of things?
- Are you relieved when he leaves for work on Monday because he takes his stuff with him?
How will a man want to contribute to the care and maintenance of a place that he doesn't consider his? If he doesn't enjoy coming home to the house you both live in, if he doesn't find it restful, how do you expect him to have the sense of ownership that makes pitching in and maintaining it pleasurable instead of irksome?
image from wisconsin historical society
Give him a place to relax, a comfortable chair, a place to put his things, a whole room if you have the space. If you wish he would spend more time with you in the family room, make it comfortable and inviting for him to be there. You do these things for yourself, carving out spaces that make you feel happy and relaxed. Why not for him? Make him feel as though he belongs at home before anything else.
Also, think about is whether or not it's realistic to expect him to help out equally around the house. The modern woman was raised to expect help around the house from her husband, but you need to look at your individual circumstances objectively.
Should a man who works a 60 hour week realistically be expected to do the dishes every night when his wife works 20 hours, or is a SAHM? I'm not saying that being a mom isn't hard work, because it is, especially with little people. I am saying that it's possible that your husband works hard too.
sledge hammerer by kev walsh
Arguing about who works harder is a fruitless exercise and will get you nowhere. But remembering, if your husband works outside the home, that the times when you see him are the only times he has to relax and recharge may help you to keep things in perspective.
And if you still think he ought to be helping more than he is, instead of accusing and complaining, speak directly and clearly about what you want. If he indicates that he is willing to pitch in, be prepared with specific answers. "I just want you to pick up after yourself more often", is far too vague for him. Use precise language. "I would like you to do your own laundry, do the dishes and wipe the kitchen counters three nights a week. How does Monday, Wednesday and Friday sound to you."
Be very careful, as we discussed last week, to not give the impression that you think he is an idiot when you do this. Just because he doesn't care about housework the same way that you do doesn't mean he isn't smart and capable in his own right.
Photo by Jeff the Trojan
This brings us to the second part of what your husband wishes you wouldn't do.
When he does help, either in direct response to your request, or spontaneously, do not complain that he did it wrong! The only proper response to a man who pitches in and helps is to say, "Thank you!" Honor his effort, because for him, helping out around the house is showing you love. How would you like it if you snuggled up next to your hubby, told him you love him and gave him a kiss and his response was "You did that wrong, you should do it like this." Don't do that to him. Be thankful for what he did do. And leave it there.
Don't let the small things cause you to stumble as you walk this road together.
by whirling pheonix
Carrien-She Laughs at the Days
Extraordinary Wives, how do you handle the division of household chores in your home? Be sure to check out the discussion at The League!
If you’d like to join The League, please e-mail us at wedblissfully@gmail.com for an invitation.
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Gah – I totally need this today, and really, every day. I am a SAHM, and I am pretty guilty of every thing here.
In fact, when I logged on today, I was in the middle of defusing myself after a big fight over him taking time to relax instead of playing with us before bedtime.
I'm calling shenanigans on this:
When he does help, either in direct response to your request, or spontaneously, do not complain that he did it wrong! The only proper response to a man who pitches in and helps is to say, “Thank you!“ Honor his effort, because for him, helping out around the house is showing you love. How would you like it if you snuggled up next to your hubby, told him you love him and gave him a kiss and his response was “You did that wrong, you should do it like this.” Don’t do that to him. Be thankful for what he did do. And leave it there.
My hubs usually takes out the trash on trash nights. He's very sweet about always doing it, but has occasionally been a little wistful that he's the only one who ever does it. So if I decided to take the trash out, and missed a bag that fell behind the hedge, and let another one dribble a trail of trash across the lawn, and then didn't roll the collection bin back the next morning, should I demand that his only response be glowing appreciation?
Help isn't helpful if it screws things up worse. I'm more interested in learning to get my job done right than preserving my precious little ego from the awful encroachment of CRITICISM. OH NOES– somebody might hurt my FEELINGS.
Please. I know from my own experience that when we try to help someone and it backfires, and they say something about it, it's easy to hear that as ingratitude or a lack of appreciation. But part of being a grownup is learning to hear things in the spirit they're offered, not through the filters of our own insecurities. This goes for both women and men.
This is not to say it's okay to cultivate ingratitude or a sense of entitlement; of course everyone likes and needs to feel appreciated, and providing that for our spouses– pushing their happy buttons– is a joyful part of being married.
But we can show appreciation while making sure they know how to do the job they've volunteered to do correctly. Saying, "Thanks for taking the trash out, hon! That was such a nice break for me. Hey, next time you do it, could you take a second to check behind the hedges for escaping trash bags? That's happened to me a couple of times" isn't going to hurt anybody's feelings unless they are actively looking for reasons to nurse petty offenses, in which case their marriage has larger issues than just an imbalance in household labor.
Sherri- I get what you are saying. It's not really help if it doesn't help.
I'm getting at the way we tend to slip into ingratitude as a general attitude and let that seep into our interactions with our husbands.
I think that if you do discuss how to do a job correctly it shouldn't be at the same time. I think the discipline of saying thank-you only is helpful to curb our tendency to be overly critical.
At a different time perhaps it would be appropriate to mention how you prefer it to be done. I'm not saying you shouldn't ever discuss it. Just not on the tail of a thank-you. Thank-you but…effectively negates the thank-you part.
Just keep in mind that our way isn't the only way to do something. Too often what we wish for isn't our man to help around the house, but a servant to boss around and to do it exactly the way WE want it to be done.