I'm getting at the way we tend to slip into ingratitude as a general attitude and let that seep into our interactions with our husbands.

I think that if you do discuss how to do a job correctly it shouldn't be at the same time. I think the discipline of saying thank-you only is helpful to curb our tendency to be overly critical.

At a different time perhaps it would be appropriate to mention how you prefer it to be done. I'm not saying you shouldn't ever discuss it. Just not on the tail of a thank-you. Thank-you but…effectively negates the thank-you part.

Just keep in mind that our way isn't the only way to do something. Too often what we wish for isn't our man to help around the house, but a servant to boss around and to do it exactly the way WE want it to be done.

When he does help, either in direct response to your request, or spontaneously, do not complain that he did it wrong! The only proper response to a man who pitches in and helps is to say, “Thank you!“ Honor his effort, because for him, helping out around the house is showing you love. How would you like it if you snuggled up next to your hubby, told him you love him and gave him a kiss and his response was “You did that wrong, you should do it like this.” Don’t do that to him. Be thankful for what he did do. And leave it there.

My hubs usually takes out the trash on trash nights. He's very sweet about always doing it, but has occasionally been a little wistful that he's the only one who ever does it. So if I decided to take the trash out, and missed a bag that fell behind the hedge, and let another one dribble a trail of trash across the lawn, and then didn't roll the collection bin back the next morning, should I demand that his only response be glowing appreciation?

Help isn't helpful if it screws things up worse. I'm more interested in learning to get my job done right than preserving my precious little ego from the awful encroachment of CRITICISM. OH NOES– somebody might hurt my FEELINGS.

Please. I know from my own experience that when we try to help someone and it backfires, and they say something about it, it's easy to hear that as ingratitude or a lack of appreciation. But part of being a grownup is learning to hear things in the spirit they're offered, not through the filters of our own insecurities. This goes for both women and men.

This is not to say it's okay to cultivate ingratitude or a sense of entitlement; of course everyone likes and needs to feel appreciated, and providing that for our spouses– pushing their happy buttons– is a joyful part of being married.

But we can show appreciation while making sure they know how to do the job they've volunteered to do correctly. Saying, "Thanks for taking the trash out, hon! That was such a nice break for me. Hey, next time you do it, could you take a second to check behind the hedges for escaping trash bags? That's happened to me a couple of times" isn't going to hurt anybody's feelings unless they are actively looking for reasons to nurse petty offenses, in which case their marriage has larger issues than just an imbalance in household labor.

In fact, when I logged on today, I was in the middle of defusing myself after a big fight over him taking time to relax instead of playing with us before bedtime.