"Honey, we need to talk."
Have you ever heard a man respond like this-
- You read my mind.
- Sure, can't wait.
- Ooh, let's talk now. Don't keep me waiting!
Every husband fears these words. When these words are spoken, thoughts begin to race with these thoughts.
- What is wrong?
- What did I do now?
- Now what do I need to do to fix it?
- Darn, I wanted to watch the game.
- Could I fake a heart attack to distract her?
- I guess I'm not getting lucky tonight.
I'm not sure about the order. That would depend on the hubby.
Why do men react as if we have just said that they are guilty of something? Most men will shut down after hearing the dreaded sentence. If he doesn't shut down completely, look forward to irritability, defensiveness, nervousness among other lovely things. We all know that men are not interested in sitting around and chit-chatting about their marriage, but women can't wait to talk.
Haven't we been taught from a million magazines and self-help books that words like communication and intimacy are of supreme importance? Of course we have. Authors of silly marriage books and self-help gurus have been preaching these techniques and getting quite wealthy for years.
What does research prove?
This will come as a huge shock. You may want to take a deep breath. Research of over 15,000 couples has shown over and over again that the more we talk about about our relationship, instead of making it better, we are even more likely to make it worse.
Here is a snippet from Dr. Stosny's research-
"Women want to talk about the relationship because they are upset and want to feel better. Men don't want to talk because talking won't make them feel better. In fact, it will make them feel worse! So whether she forces him to talk or not, they both end up feeling disappointed and disconnected.
This loneliness of disconnection lies at the heart of every argument or cold silence, fueling your disappointment or resentment. It also leads to the distance that can ultimately tear your relationship apart."
I think this is such an important concept. Let's take the weekend to think about how the idea that 'constant communication is vital in marriage' may be harming out marriages. We will delve into this more on Monday.
Blessings, Allison
Extraordinary Wives- continue thus discussion at the league!
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