The world renowned Psychologist John Gottman, who specializes in marital stability and divorce prediction, has uncovered an amazing phenomenon. His research allows him to predict with 90% accuracy if a marriage will end in divorce. He has pinpointed the number one behavior that women exhibit to men that will lead to divorce.
Dr. Gottman calls it "Harsh Start Ups" in conversation. This is when women start a conversation in such a way that men automatically feel the need to be on the defensive. This high-arousal beginning to a conversation that will never end well. Just so you know, the worst male behavior that leads to divorce is stonewalling. A harsh start up is often used to 'get through' to a husband who stonewalls his wife. This is a recipe for a disastrous interaction.
Here are some examples of Harsh Start Ups-
- "You never listen to me when I tell you something."
- "Honey, we need to talk."
- "So I see you are just watching the game all evening. Again."
- "I can not keep doing _____ all by myself. You have got to ____."
All four of these statements will abruptly put most husbands on the defensive. The vast majority of men will become preemptively defensive with a woman when she abruptly springs a conversation of this on him in this manner. Why? Because our husbands are men, not women. We must stop thinking men respond to stimulus in the same way as women.
We find comfort when we sit and can look in our best friend's or our husband's eyes and share our feelings. Men? Not so much. They get the jitters and need to do something. Mow the grass, tinker in the garage or play a game and mull things over. Then they can get back to us and discuss things that are stressful or highly emotional.
So next time you find yourself frustrated with whatever annoying thing he has done that day, remember that when a discussion has a harsh start up then the result is almost always bad. Pick a good time to talk and start the conversation with finesse to help guarantee you are properly listened to. We will discuss how to go in to a discussion the right way with "Soft Start Ups" in part two.
Extraordinary Wives continue at the League.
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