Recently my husband and I started seeing another couple. No we're not into that sort of lifestyle. Our new friends, they are our marriage mentors. All our lives we have seen mentors for children i.e. Big Brothers Big Sisters. When you start your freshman year in college they will sometimes assign upperclassmen to help guide you around campus. There are mentors in the work place to help you adjust and learn in your new career. So why not marriage?
Marriage is a life long commitment with many different job titles. Your role in the home changes just as the role you play to each other can change over time. So, honestly I don't know why I didn't think to do this a long time ago. I think it would have saved us a lot of confusion and grief in our post-newlywed stage. That stage where the veil has come off and the true sloppy behavior shows through.
This is especially true since neither my husband or I have had great marriage role models in our life. How can you expect to have a great working relationship if the people around you don't show a good example? All the great marriages I know are people with great role models to look up to. Their marriage heroes so to say.
This is where Larry and Marilyn step into the picture. My pastor's wife is the one who directed us to try this type of counseling. Having been married for 33+ years, they say they still feel like newlyweds. This is probably one of the reasons why she chose them because I have to say that's what I want! It's a very relaxed type of setting, we meet for coffee or go to dinner. We have honest one on one discussions on what we expect from marriage and why that doesn't always work for us.
They have given us great advice on how to look at each other through our spouses eyes. How to figure out what our love language is, i.e. what makes you feel loved by the other person. For instance, I feel like my husband truly loves me when he takes the time to put gas in the car and insure that our vehicle is safe for me to drive–proper tire pressure, clean filters you get my point. That may not be the "normal way" way to show love but it's what revs my engine…
I love that we started doing this. I hope that other couples will look into this type of mentoring for their marriage.
Erika blogs about being a wife, mother, writer and knitter at Not Without My Coffee.
Photo credit : That Black Girl Site
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Our church started a marriage mentoring program, and my husband and I signed up a few months ago. We're getting together with our mentoring couple tomorrow night, actually. It's been fun.
My bestfriend got married right out of high school and I had the opportunity to grow and learn about marriage through their ups and downs. Both she and her husband were very open and honest about their relationship so I was able to see things from both perspectives. I talked with them together and individually. When I got married I drew upon what I learned from them and now I'm charting my own path and well as sharing with other friends who are newly married. You have to be careful who you listen to because not everyone is happily married/single and everyone couple has their own unique issues and personality.
Well I am not married, recently divorced a marraige mentor may have not helped that situation. lol! but i do feel that it helps and it works if the mentors are true genuine people. Me and my new boyfreind plan to marry one day and it feels so good to hang out with other married people and see how even through good and bad times they are making it work. I ask lots of questions to see how they manage through financial and other types of stress.
I recently attended a funeral for a woman who passed and left behind her husband of 39 years. They married at the age of 15. That is so amazing because you don't find that type of love these days. I hope that I find that long lasting love in my new partner. Which his parents have also been married for 30+ years. So he does value a committed relationship.
A marraige mentor will help us before and during the marraige because i do not want to divorce again especially when some things could have been worked out.
PH
Marriage is a tricky creature. It does require nourishment or it will die. Marriage does not like to be ignored.
I think marriage mentors are a great idea. I have not used this method, but having a focus that is not of a medical environment I think can help couples feel more at ease. You are able to be yourselves rather than discussing your issues to someone sitting there shaking there head as you are talking. Then waiting for that textbook response your rarely understand.
I heard someone comment one time that they have to work all day, they did not want to come home and have to work at marriage. Well after several divorces, this person finally figured out that yes, marriage requires work. There is more to a marriage than pulling off the ultimate wedding.
Communication and consideration is the key to understanding your mate. Many people come from good families with happy marriages. The sad part, at times parents do not reveal the problems in front of the children which leads to a distored reality of what really makes a marriage work. When problems arise, they are not sure how to handle them. "My parents never had these problems" In reality they probably did. There are those parents who reveal all the problems in front of the children with anger and arguing, this in turn does not set a good example of how to handle the problems that do come up and they will.
The author wrote of how her husband will fill her gas tank and make sure her car is in good condition. That is consideration for the other person.
Marriage is not a one way street. You have to pay attention as you are going down the road, things will cross your path that you need to pay attention to -otherwise when you hit them they will create problems. You also have to remember that you are not always going down the road in the same direction, at the same time. You have to be able to have an understanding that your thoughts are not the only way to be.
We raise our children to be independent and free thinking, well you have to realize that someday they too will share their lives with another person. Teach ourselves and our children to the thought process of communication and consideration. By showing and talking.
Hi Erika:
As one who divorced after 13 years of ups and downs, I wish we had had mentors. My ex came from a broken home as did I. The closest our family had to marital role models were my aunt and uncle who were married close to 70 years when she died a few years ago.
Glad for you and your hubby. You're a great mom and I know you're a great wife, mentoring or not. But it certainly helps to have a support system. Blessings.
Wista
Well I gotta say I enjoyed your article as well as the comments left about it. I've noticed that most of the readers are all women, I am a guy. I agree with a lot of what you have to say but I do feel a little different. I haven't had great role models when it comes to marriage, actually I have had some of the worst. Yet even now as I look around at the couples in my world, I don't see much different than what I saw growing up. The one thing I have seen that is most common, especially with couples that have it all figured out is that they have all done it before! Will Smith and Jada Pinkett-Smith rave about their marriage in a magazine, but Will has been married before. Most of the marriages I know that are in good standing, at least one of the partners have been divorced. Not that I don't believe that a person can get it right the first time, but who doesn't fall when they get on a bike for the first time? Who doesn't sink the first time they jump into the deep end of the pool? I believe marriage mentors are a great idea and I hope this article can help to steer people in the right direction.