Welcome to your weekly advice column from a Godly perspective (with a bit of my snark and humor, of course!). NOTE: Ignorance is NOT Bliss is an advice column written by, me, Michelle Pendergrass. Questions are submitted by readers like you. To submit an anonymous question, use this form. Disclaimer: Advice is given as a friend would give. I is not a therapist, scholar, expert, or otherwise. I’m just a girlfriend helping a girlfriend. Unless you’re a guy asking for help.
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Dear Michelle,
My best friend and roommate from college is getting married next spring. I always assumed that I would be her maid-of-honor and that she would be mine when I get married. However, she just let me know she has chosen her brother to be her only attendant. How do I deal with this graciously?
Signed,
Feeling Left Out
Dear Left Out,
You've heard the old saying about assuming, right? It makes an a-double-snakes out of "U" and "me"…
That aside, I think you might be a little selfish here. After all, it is your best friend's wedding. When you get married you get to choose the attendants. What if the tables were turned? How would you want your best friend to be towards you?
To deal with this "graciously" you should check your own heart and motive. Why is it bothering you so much that she would choose her brother as her only attendant? What if that had been the plan since they were kids? What if she's following up on a family tradition?
My advice is: Put your pride in check and grace will flow naturally.
To submit an anonymous question, use this form.
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Michelle is a freelance writer and photographer. She blogs at her website and The Horrible HomeSchooler.
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Hi Left Out!
Speaking as someone who has been left out of many a friend's wedding (and asked to be a part of weddings I never thought in a million years I would stand up in) I know exactly how you feel: hurt.
When I was not asked to be apart of one of my friend's wedding I too felt hurt, as if the gesture meant she didn't really think I was as important to her as she was to me. And I can't speak for you, but I know I have a tendency to assume the worst of someone's motives, especially if I feel hurt by their actions (and even more so still if I don't understand the reasons for those actions). And with that said, I'm not entirely sure that your hurt feelings have anything to do with your being "selfish."
You had envisioned what each of your weddings would be like. You wanted to show your support for her by standing faithfully by her side on her big day and expected her to do the same for you. That's not selfish. That's what friends do for each other on a day to day basis.
The only thing that I think you need to redefine here is HOW you support her and be there for her. And Michelle's right. You did assume that support or friendship meant being her Maid of Honor. But she doesn't see it that way. She wants you to support her in a different way. And if you love her, you simply need to redefine how you are to support her. And yes, that does mean respecting her wishes and not letting it get to you too much. It's okay to feel hurt. Just don't let your hurt feelings change how would normally think of her and what you have together.
And who knows, she might not want you to "work" on her wedding day. She might just want you to have fun, so that she can also have fun and celebrate. Or her family might be a total nightmare of a family, and maybe she wants to protect you from their craziness. Who knows?! You really can't assume anything in regards to her actions. And I think that's the main point.
I'm not saying that feeling hurt is not a valid emotion in this scenario, what I'm trying to say that it is selfish to expect someone to do exactly what I think they should do.
Let's take my brother for example. It's hunting season and I know he takes like a month's vacation and hunts. It is what the man lives for. My son's birthday falls during hunting season (so does my brother's but we'll get to that in a minute). I know if I want my brother there, I have to have the party at my house (because it's close to the hunting property) between the hours of 11am and 1pm because he's out for the morning hunt earlier and leaves for the afternoon hunt later. Every year previous to this year, I've done exactly that and he's been at Zane's party.
This year, though, we're remodeling and the house isn't fit for a party, so we're having it somewhere else. Far away from the hunting property and at 4pm to boot.
It would be selfish of me, in my opinion, to expect my brother to come to the party. I know he's on vacation. And he wouldn't expect me to come to a function at his house if I was on vacation.
Because I understand that my expectations are MY expectations. If I expect something of someone without their permission to expect it, I'm setting myself up for a let down.
And that's what I see is going on in this situation with the best friend's wedding. From the letter, Feeling Left Out said she "assumed" certain events would happen. Had she said the events had been planned and finalized and then she was left out of the wedding, I'd have given different advice.
However, I stand firm with my advice. It is selfish to expect someone to do something I want them to do when I have no right to expect it. Even when it hurts.
I understand your situation in that, in your situation, you thought the gesture meant your friend didn't think you were important to her–again there's an expectation of something you really didn't know was true. You were guessing her motives, putting words in her mouth, thoughts in her brain and you came down on yourself for it.
I totally agree with this: "And if you love her, you simply need to redefine how you are to support her. And yes, that does mean respecting her wishes and not letting it get to you too much. It’s okay to feel hurt. Just don’t let your hurt feelings change how would normally think of her and what you have together."
That was pretty much what I meant when I said to check your own pride and grace will follow naturally. Thank you for stating it so eloquently!
OH! I never got to the part about my brother's birthday being in hunting season.
What I was going to say is that he won't even come to his OWN party if it's during his hunting time. And again, that's why it would be selfish of me to expect any other behavior out of him. He'll call my son, wish him a Happy Birthday and stop by some time soon, but he hunts and that's that.
I am thinking about whether this happened to me…my oldest friend didn't have me in her second wedding, but I was in her first. I guess I was a little hurt by it.
I had only my sister in my wedding because I wanted a very simple ceremony. It was nothing personal against my friends and in fact, I didn't even think about it until now.
I think the best way to respond graciously in any situation is to try to get the focus onto the other person. Think more about how wonderful it is that your friend is getting married, think more about how exciting the day is for her. Offer to help her in any way you can and support her on her day. This doesn't come naturally, especially when we are hurt, but an intentional effort to to focus on her will make the day a beautiful memory for both of you.
Thank you Kay, like Heather, great advice!
I'd drop her like a bad habit.
You don't matter in her life as much as she does in yours, and you don't need a "friend" like that.
Sure, the day is about "her," but it's also her showing her true colors about friendship.
Be civil, friendly, and don't be emotional– just let the friendship fade away. If she's not there for you, you don't need her.