It’s the first week of school. My daughter has ridden the bus home for 6 days now. Three of those days she has gotten off of the bus crying. The same little girl has been picking on her ever since school started. She whispers things in her ear like, “When was the last time you took a shower?” and, “your outfit is really ugly.” Yesterday she tricked my daughter into sitting by her on the bus. She was acting super sweet, and Whitney fell for it. She told Whitney to put liquid soap on a boys water bottle. Whitney said she was afraid of what the girl would do or say, so she made a bad choice and did it. She felt terrible about it right away and said sorry to the little boy and helped him clean up his water bottle.
Why are girls so mean? A boy bully punches and kicks, maybe calls someone a name, but girl bullies are MEAN. They are catty and manipulative, unforgetting and unforgiving. Mean girls can hold a grudge through an entire elementary school experience and carry it into middle school and high school.
For my girls, the bus ride home is the closest place to human depravity they have ever seen. It’s where they heard their first swear word, where kids get punched when the bus driver is not able to see, and where you have to be stronger and smarter than everyone around you to survive that very long 15 minute ride home.
What can Mom’s and Dad’s do to help our kids survive those 15 minute bus rides?
· Befriend the bus driver. If the bus driver is your friend and knows your name, she will be more likely to look out for your child.
· Be a pest. When you hear of bullying on the bus, call the bus driver to let them know. Chances are, she had no idea about what happened.
· Involve the principal. Let them know in detail about what happened.
· Tell your child’s teacher. The more people that are involved and aware of the situation, the more likely it is that the bullying will stop.
· Ride the bus home with your child. Talk to the kids around them and tell them what you as a parent expect of them.
These ideas may sound extreme, but your child’s safety on the bus as well as their well-being is worth it. Bullies bully because they can get away with it. Let them know they cannot get away with it by being involved directly in the situation yourself.
Michelle is a stay at home Mom of three delightfully spirited little girls. Her husband Rob is a pastor at a very large church, and their lives are anything but normal. Follow their family adventures at www.michellewegner.typepad.com.
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I love the idea of riding the bus home with your kid. In elementary school, this is a great idea! Kids at that level aren't quite to the "OMG YOUR PARENTS ARE LOSERS!" stage.
I agree with getting involved, but I personally would not be riding the bus home with my kid. I think that sets the kid up for teasing by everyone on the bus, not just from the bully. Especially if the other kids' parents aren't around. Just my 2 cents for the day.
Also, so sorry to hear that your daughter is being bullied. Young MEAN girls usually grow up to be MEAN women too.
Our mantra at home is "talk, walk, find, fight". That last part raises some eyebrows sometimes (i mean, Christians are supposed to "turn the other cheek, right"?), but the essential components are as follows:
1) Talk – In 99% of scenarios, careful verbal defusing can eliminate an active threat. Police forces actually teach "Verbal Judo" now, which instructs people how to use calm and strength to deter frenetic powering up. It's tough with kids, though, admittedly, and in our own scenarios with our 8 year old on the bus, "talk" seems to have less impact than it seems to in many adult scenarios. Still, we are committed to the idea that even kids can be talked through their actions, and we attempt regularly to try to "load" our kids minds with the kinds of phrases and prompts to help with that.
2) Walk – In adult scenarios, you actually have what is called a "duty to flee". Id est, it is your legal responsibility to try to remove yourself from a hostile situation if you are at all able before attempting to retaliate in any fashion. It may be as simple as backing away, it may be running from the room, but the idea is that no one is looking for a physical confrontation. Admittedly, the issues are even more concentrated on a school bus as there are limited places to "run" or "hide". We have tried to help our child to do this better by sitting closer to the bus driver, but in instances where there is assigned seating, that's not always possible.
3) Find – This includes finding an authority figure who can intervene on your behalf. It may be a teacher, a bus driver or an older kid. Your kid may face being called a "tattler", but that can be dealt with. Our problem is that bus-drivers seem to have limited real ownership of the behavior on their buses (which is why they seem to degenerate into Lord of the Flies Preschools so often). The point is that finding another element who possesses authority to engage the situation can often defuse it. You mentioned that when you talked about finding teachers or principals to help engage the situation.
4) Fight – Sun Tsu, the legendary Chinese general who wrote "The Art of War" said that "Those skilled in war subdue the enemy's army without battle. They capture his cities without assaulting them and overthrow his state without protracted operations." As a result, we tell our kids that if things have deteriorated to the place where neither Talking, Walking, and Finding are options and you genuinely find yourself in a position where you are unable to gain any other point of harmony, then something HAS indeed gone dreadfully wrong. Still, i knew people growing up who were just plain and simply "looking for a fight", and wouldn't be satisfied without one. In such an instance, if pushed to the point where your options are limited to a physical response, then it must be rapid, decisive and determined. That is, simply, strike fast, strike hard, don't stop. The consummate scenario in which we "role play" such tactics include a bully who is attacking our son's little sister on the playground. Sure, try to talk, walk and find, but if no such recompense is available, then absolutely, act! Immediately! Decisively! And without hesitation or deterrent until the bully stops. On the back end, the same steps should again be engaged (talk, walk and find) with authority figures such as teachers in order to ensure that the scenario does not happen again.
Believe it or not, these are the same elements present with adults. When i teach Women's Self Defense courses, i try to stress that whenever possible, these same 4 "steps" apply to adult conflict. They may get truncated (i.e. someone can escalate the conflict immediately to step 4 without giving you a chance to try 1 – 3), but in most instances, there is sufficient space to take the course prescribed.
Great article, Michelle! Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
before elementary school i went to an all day day care. one day i when mom picked me up i was crying. when she asked why i told her that david pinched me. mom told me to pinch him back. the next day i was crying again and told her that david hit me. she said hit him back. the next day i got in the car smiling. david was my new best friend because i didn't take any of his shit. and he never hit another child in that day care.
hope your daughter tells that mean child to sit somewhere else.
It's so sad that the bus can be such a scary place for kids. My sons hated it when they were younger. They're older now and just put up with it. I remember from my jr high days how mean girls can be, but I'm learning from my 13 year old son that boys can be just as mean, just as hurtful. I was surprised by that, and saddened. It's a shame growing up has to be so hard.
Sorry about your daughter. Girls are meaner. I'm not looking forward to the day when my daughter comes home crying b/c of a mean girl.
What is with the bus? This stuff happens on my kids' bus too and they are the first stop from school (less than 5 minutes). I tell my kids to sit in the front. Problems tend to happen in the 'back of the bus.' When there are bus issues I go directly to the principal or asst principal. Our school has been very responsive to bus issues – it's 3 chances/strikes then you're off the bus for the year.
I rode the bus home from Kindergarten. It was horrible and so terrifying every day. Eventually my mom stopped making me ride it and came to pick me up. I wish there was an adult besides the driver who rode it everyday and was like a teacher/principle. Some one who could discipline the trouble makers and help the shy kids.
And that is why I don't let my kids ride the bus! I drive them because I would rather pay for the gas then try to undo the damage that can be done on a bus ride home!
I hope it gets better for your daughter.
The bus gets worse the older they get. I mean, depths of depravity you wouldn't even see in an R rated film. This is just peanuts. Most bus drivers I know would not welcome a mom on board, or a mom interfering in any way. It usually sets the child up for "unfavoritism" from the bus driver and more heckling from the other kids. The bus driver likely does know what's going on, but they have a bus to keep on the road.