Lately I have heard a few parents talking about how rewarding kids for good behavior is "bribing," and their kids, even toddlers, should behave because they are just supposed to. So, let's talk about bribing.
Bribery is getting someone to do something they shouldn't by offering an incentive. A reward is getting something for what you should be doing. So getting your kids to do what they should is not fundamentally bribery. REINFORCEMENT IS NOT BRIBERY. There. Now, lets talk about the idea of rewarding good behavior.
It is a robust truth that all living things move toward pleasant things and away from unpleasant things. It is also true that learning occurs when things are reinforced or punished. This principle works for kids, adults, dogs, sea slugs, any creature that can learn. If a sea slug eats something that makes it sick, it learns not to eat it. If a dog gets a treat (reward) for doing a trick, he's going to do it again. Rewarding positive behavior is fundamental to our entire society. We break the law, we get punished. We go to work, we get a reward. Telling children, especially young ones, that they should behave just because they should is like telling the working force to go work because they just should. How many people would go to work if there was no tangible reward?
Next time your child is doing something they shouldn't, instead of spending your energy trying to think of a punishment that will deter the behavior, try instead to think of an incentive that will reward them for their good behavior. Incentives make kids motivated to behave, instead of just being scared of being punished. Then go out and look for every opportunity to reward good behavior. Moving towards something positive is more pleasant and more likely to change behavior.
You might be asking yourself what exactly is a reward for a child. Well, I do not agree with dolling out candy and sugary snacks as rewards, although occasionally it will work as a special treat that they earned, like going out for ice cream.
Reinforcement for kids can be anything:
- a smile, hug, high five or "great job!",
- one-on-one time with a parent,
- an extra book,
- a sticker on a chart,
- a marble in a jar,
- getting to choose what you have for dinner,
- extra time at the park,
- a play date,
- a movie
- a trip to the library
There's no shortage of ways to reward your kids. And yes, as a child gets older, there will be certain things that they will be expected to do as part of the household, but doing those things still has rewards. Getting your chores done so you can go out and play, allowances, and such are all rewards for positive behavior. The idea that at some point we stop needing reinforcement for our behavior is a fantasy. Would you go to work if there was no benefit? Would you pay taxes if there was no consequence for not paying?
I can only assume that those people who expect positive behavior in their children without any tangible reward hope that their have the internal reward of “doing what’s right” to motivate them. This is a very abstract idea, and one that young kids simply aren’t capable of using until they are school-age. As adults, we may use internal rewards to motivate our own good behavior, but we can not expect our young children to be capable of this kind of thought, or even to know what is right and wrong and what they should do, unless we show them by rewards (and punishments). External or internal, rewards are what shape our behavior no matter our age.
Reinforcing good behavior is a key of learning and just plain good parenting. Focus on the positive things your kids are doing much more than you focus on the bad, and you'll have happier kids and family dynamic. Want to change behavior in the quickest and most painless way? Offer rewards and watch learning happen!
Laura can also be found at mommymenagerie, where she tries to parent positively and thoughtfully!
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