There
is a simple thing that I have seen missing in many parents: meaning
what you say. It sounds easy, but as parents it is surprisingly easy to
say things that we don’t mean. Problem is, this teaches our children
things we don’t want them to know.
Example: You are with your
kids at a restaurant. You are waiting for you food to arrive when you
little one decides that spitting his lemonade over his seat into the
next booth is a fun activity. Often parents will use threats such as,
“If you do that one more time I am going to take you home!”
These
threats are only acceptable if you actually mean them: if what you say
is going to happen actually does. If you lay down the contingency (they
stop or you go home) and they do it again, you had better be prepared
to go home. If you are not willing to go home because your food is on
the way and you want to eat, you better not make that contingency.
What
usually happens when parents make threats like that is that the child
does the behavior again, and the parent says, again, “If you do that
one more time I am going to take you home! I mean it!” Your child knows
you don’t mean it, because if you did, you would already be on your way
home by then.
Making empty threats only teaches a child that what mom
and dad say isn’t important, you don't mean it, and they don’t have to
take you seriously. It is important for me that my children listen to
what I say, for their own safety and
for the smooth running of a household. But when you don't follow through, instead of teaching them to behave, you are teaching them the exact opposite, that they don't have to.
What parent doesn’t want
their children to obey them the first time they say something?
There is
a way to get that, you know. And it is simple. You always mean what you
say. If you tell them the tv goes off in five minutes, it does, and no
amount of whining or tantruming or negotiating will change that. You
said it, it happens, the end.
This is the fix for tantrums, whining and
all kinds of other annoying behavior children employ to try to get what
they want.
If you teach your children that what mom says happens, they
will know that nothing will work to change that. Allowing any amount of
whining or negotiating to change your mind only reinforces to the child
that whining gets them what they want, and you'd better believe they
will do it again and again.
I don't mean to sound authoritarian,
like you ought to be rigid and domineering, but you really do have to
mean what you say. I don't think that every issue is one that you have
to just say it and it's done. There are many venues where negotiation
and cooperation would be much better (which movie should we go see?).
If the issue is up for negotiation, then frame it as such and discuss,
fostering those skills. But in those instances where you must provide a
boundary (no you may not have a snack right before dinner) you need to
mean it and not let them change your mind.
Try it, try to always
follow through, be consistent and mean what you say. It's harder than
it sounds. And let me warn you that when a former wet-noodle mommy
starts sticking to her guns, the kids will up the ante for a while,
trying to break her. You have to stick to it, and eventually they will
learn that you mean it.
Laura
For more parenting tips, visit me at Mommy Menagerie!
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I don't think it is authoritarian, at all. I would just make sure that the options are both acceptable. "If you can't drink like a big kid, then I'm sending your drink back." That way both options are acceptable.
There's a great book–Negotiation Generation, that deals with some of this.
The idea is not to punish, but also to not discuss the non-negotiables. You will drink your drink like a big kid, but you can choose lemonade or smoothie.
Great post–always helpful to have reminders about these things!
Amen, Sista! As a teacher, I can't tell you how much this helps in the classroom. I can tell which kiddos have parents who say what they mean and mean what they say.
This also holds true for managing behavior in the classroom. If my students know that what I say the first time is what will actually happen, teaching and learning go so much more smoothly!
I am so with you here. My boys know that I mean what I say, and if you argue the point you will lose that privelege for the next day (i.e. your TV or computer time). My youngest rarely ever goes there, but my stubborn, er, persistent 7 yo still thinks he can negotiate everything. Eventually he will learn that it's only getting him the opposite of what he wants. Just give them 2 options and they get to choose – but each option has to be acceptable to you, as well as the consequence you choose (everyone else can have dessert but you).
This is so true-although it isn't always easy to follow through with. I think like many parenting things, if you start fairly young and "take your pain up front" with the ineveitable crying etc, then they learn you mean it and don't test you as much later on.
Well, maybe until they are teenagers anyway.
It is a lot harder than it sounds…my husband and I have learned over the years that the best way to accomplish it is to plan ahead (what will our limits be? what will we do if suchandsuch?). But kids are gifted at throwing you for a loop, and those are the times I really find myself needing these types of reminders. It is so easy to make an empty threat out of desperation! And so hard to regain some authority afterwards.