I've had depression issues since high school. I used to cope with them by realizing that everything was a cycle and I just needed to hang on for the upswing. That a bad day was simply a bad day and not the end of the world.
After my dad's mood drastically improved, I found out he was taking an antidepressant. Wow. The difference was incredible.
Since then, I've tried 3 different scripts: Serzone (which I believe is off the market now), Wellbutrin (which I didn't love), and Zoloft (which I like well enough but the sex drive is zero).
I was off the antidepressant while I was pregnant. I coped well enough that I could keep the chemicals out of my system while cooking a baby. Some people can't, some people need that pill all the time – and that's perfectly okay. We all do what we have to. If you need the antidepressant while you are pregnant to be okay, use your medical professional as a sounding board to decide if the benefits of taking the meds outweighs the potential risks. (Please. You are so important and what you are doing is so hard – you can ask for help if you need it.)
I was prepared for post-partum depression. I was set to watch out for crying, for sadness, for hopelessness, for isolation.
It didn't happen.
I got "throw the baby out the window, scream and hate my husband and contemplate smashing everything in the house" ANGER.
I got insomnia. On top of a baby who did. not. sleep. A cruel, cruel twist of fate to be so exhausted and unable to sleep. Or to wake up because of someone sneezing three houses over and not being able to fall back to sleep.
I got anxiety. Each time I would pass a truck on the highway, I was convinced it was going to swerve into our lane and kill us. I white knuckled and my heart raced. It was horrible.
I started Zoloft. I got some Zanax to help me sleep a couple of nights a week. I got some sleep, which helped my mood. My mood evened out so I could sleep. It was a cycle that has strengthened a bit each week.
Sometimes I get off schedule. Sometimes I forget to take my meds. I know I've forgotten when my temper snaps. It's my new red flag.
Any of this sound familiar to you?
You are so worth being happy. You are so worth a trip to the doctor to see if there's something that can help ease your world. If mind over matter were enough all the time I would never need a pill. Think it over. The Little White Pill has helped me, if you think it could help you, think about giving it a chance.
(Want a more blunt and occasionally profane account of my struggle getting on the meds? Read here.)
When not knitting herself blind for her store comfedoutkaiser.com, Dawn can be found at her blog kaiseralex.com
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Thanks for this, Dawn. Depression/anxiety runs in my family, so I always figure my "little white pill" days are coming…and I'm cool with that.
Thank you so much for posting this. I'm starting the climb out of one of my bad cycles again.
I know that the pills have stopped working when I use phrases like "you betrayed me." Anything with the word "betray" or something like it is a signal to me and my family.