I love to watch America's Funniest Home Videos. So much so that I will laugh uproariously when I watch it, especially if someone is getting hurt.
Not too long ago, an episode featured some funny wedding videos. One featured the vows during a wedding ceremony. The bride was repeating after the minister as she had been instructed previously. When the minister said, "to obey," the bride stopped, glared at the minister, and refused to repeat those words. That got me thinking.
Why is it so hard for 21st century wives to promise to "obey" our husbands?
First, let's look at what "obey" means, then we'll apply it to marriage.
Dictionary.com defines "obey" (verb) as 1. to comply with or follow the commands, restrictions, wishes or instructions of; 2. to comply with or follow.
These definitions do not denote a willingness to obey, only the action of obeying. No one wants to feel that they "have" to do something, especially when they feel that someone else is calling the shots. And the first definition mentions "restrictions."
Whoa! Restrictions? You mean someone might tell me what to do and what not to do? That's not what I signed up for!
No likes being told what to do. And a lifetime of that? No thank you!
In marriage, obedience goes far beyond this surface definition. For wives, "obeying" your husband shows the world that you respect him. Men need to feel respected. If they are not receiving that at home, they will find it elsewhere.
Ladies, I want to suggest that if you have difficulty with the "obey" part of the marriage vows, change the wording (in your mind) to "respect".
Respect your husband in public and in private.
Read many more inspiring thoughts at Heather's personal blog, Not a DIY Life.
Extraordinary Wives, let's discuss this at The League!
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I think the problem with that little word in marriage vows is not so much that it exists at all, but that it does not exists in the vows for the groom. Why shouldn't we expect to be equal with equal respect and, okay, obedience in the marriage? We recently went to the wedding of a friend, and we were surprised at how the minister went on and on about how she needed to "obey" Husband in his message to the couple.
I disagree with your statement that "Men need to be respected." I think everyone needs to be respected.
I am getting married next month, and our (female) minister has already said she will not include the "obey."
Great article today, Heather! Our ladies' Bible class did a study last year called "For Women Only," by Shaunti Feldman. In it she cited research that said that when polled, if they had to choose, men would rather be respected than loved. That's a foreign concept to most women, who would rather be loved.
Another point she brought up in the study that really hit home for me is that we should respect our husbands unconditionally, just as our husbands are to love us unconditionally. Would we only want our husbands to love us when we were deserving of love? Of course not. We should respect them unconditionally, at all times.
yeah, this whole obeying thing is tough for me too.. maybe that's why i'm still single…
I think you hit the nail on the head with the respect thing. Men do need to be respected. Women as well, but being equal doesn't equate to being the same. The things that make my husband feel important and loved and secure in our relationship aren't the same things that make me feel those things. Those differences have to be kept in mind.
"Obey" is still in wedding vows? I don't remember if it was in ours when I got married, but I am pretty sure that it wasn't.
However, I can definitely go along with the respected part. It's hard to lead if you have someone that doesn't respect your leadership.
I think you're absolutely right, Heather. Men need to be respected. In her book, For Women Only, Ashaunti Feldman says that men would rather be unloved and alone and be disrespected. It's fascinating, and I've seen it in my own husband.
In my own wedding, we both said, "love, honor, and cherish," though in hindsight, I wish we would have both said "love, honor, and respect." It would have had more meaning I think.
I just finished reading a book called "Me? Obey Him?" It was amazing to see how my obeying my husband is my ultimately obeying God. If anyone out there would like to read this book it can be found at Amazon .com or you can check my blog. It is in a white Amazon bubble at the top of the blog page. http://bargainbanana.blogspot.com
Wonderful post! I have really grown a lot in the way I think about this in the past couple of years. I think it especially hit me during church one day when our priest explained it as a wife was asked to obey her husband (in the Bible), but in the same passage, a husband is asked to love his wife just as Christ loved the Church. Jesus loved the church enough to die for us, so, likewise, a man should love his wife in such a way that he would be willing to lay down his life for her. In that light, I didn't think that obeying sounded like such a big deal.
Our priest then went on to say that if a man were to abuse that "obeying" command, then he would really be not keeping up his end of the bargain, per se.
I was really glad that I heard that particular priest speak that weekend, as another priest spoke on it in a different way. It was just what I needed to hear.
@Tara, in our vows we also both said "Love, Honor, and Cherish." I feel like "Honor" could easily mean "Respect." Just like you may honor another person's culture without participating in it, or another person's contribution without deciding to go along with it. In those contexts, respect could probably substitute for honor and still mean the same thing.
I also completely agree with the respect thing, on both sides.
Whoops, in the first paragraph I mean to say "even if you don't participate in it." Because whether or not you do something, you can do it with honor & respect. It's not just a "respect your opinion/culture/etc but no" which I feel that came off as. It could just be "respect and yes."
Don't even know where to begin on this one. My heart goes out to you that you feel you need to jump yourself through these linguistical hoops in order to swallow "obey". Clearly, in your heart you know there is something wrong with that aspect of the vow. In England, wives were the legal property of their husbands until 1987. The marriage vows are not religious law but firmly established custom. If we can change the law, then certainly we can change the custom. Respect and obedience have nothing to do with each other. If you don't respect the man you're marrying, then you shouldn't be marrying him. Period. Lastly, you should be ashamed of yourself for threatening wives with the specter of their husbands cheating if they don't "obey". That's truly despicable.
tk: I hope that you understand that men can find respect through other means besides infidelity. There is workoholism, overachievement, contact sports, etc.
My intent was not to threaten anyone with anything. But merely to offer advice to wives who truly have difficulty accepting what "to obey" means. I believe that respect and obedience go hand-in-hand in a marriage relationship. You cannot have one without the other.