Comments on: To Obey?

By: Heather @ Not a DIY Life

Heather @ Not a DIY Life — Fri, 10 Oct 2008 14:15:42 +0000

tk: I hope that you understand that men can find respect through other means besides infidelity. There is workoholism, overachievement, contact sports, etc.

My intent was not to threaten anyone with anything. But merely to offer advice to wives who truly have difficulty accepting what “to obey” means. I believe that respect and obedience go hand-in-hand in a marriage relationship. You cannot have one without the other.

By: tk

tk — Fri, 10 Oct 2008 13:15:28 +0000

Don’t even know where to begin on this one. My heart goes out to you that you feel you need to jump yourself through these linguistical hoops in order to swallow “obey”. Clearly, in your heart you know there is something wrong with that aspect of the vow. In England, wives were the legal property of their husbands until 1987. The marriage vows are not religious law but firmly established custom. If we can change the law, then certainly we can change the custom. Respect and obedience have nothing to do with each other. If you don’t respect the man you’re marrying, then you shouldn’t be marrying him. Period. Lastly, you should be ashamed of yourself for threatening wives with the specter of their husbands cheating if they don’t “obey”. That’s truly despicable.

By: Mrs. Micah

Mrs. Micah — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 02:28:40 +0000

Whoops, in the first paragraph I mean to say “even if you don’t participate in it.” Because whether or not you do something, you can do it with honor & respect. It’s not just a “respect your opinion/culture/etc but no” which I feel that came off as. It could just be “respect and yes.”

By: Mrs. Micah

Mrs. Micah — Fri, 26 Sep 2008 02:12:27 +0000

@Tara, in our vows we also both said “Love, Honor, and Cherish.” I feel like “Honor” could easily mean “Respect.” Just like you may honor another person’s culture without participating in it, or another person’s contribution without deciding to go along with it. In those contexts, respect could probably substitute for honor and still mean the same thing.

I also completely agree with the respect thing, on both sides.

By: Angie ~ Many Little Blessings

Angie ~ Many Little Blessings — Wed, 24 Sep 2008 03:17:53 +0000

Wonderful post! I have really grown a lot in the way I think about this in the past couple of years. I think it especially hit me during church one day when our priest explained it as a wife was asked to obey her husband (in the Bible), but in the same passage, a husband is asked to love his wife just as Christ loved the Church. Jesus loved the church enough to die for us, so, likewise, a man should love his wife in such a way that he would be willing to lay down his life for her. In that light, I didn’t think that obeying sounded like such a big deal.

Our priest then went on to say that if a man were to abuse that “obeying” command, then he would really be not keeping up his end of the bargain, per se.

I was really glad that I heard that particular priest speak that weekend, as another priest spoke on it in a different way. It was just what I needed to hear.

By: Jessica

Jessica — Tue, 23 Sep 2008 21:50:43 +0000

I just finished reading a book called “Me? Obey Him?” It was amazing to see how my obeying my husband is my ultimately obeying God. If anyone out there would like to read this book it can be found at Amazon .com or you can check my blog. It is in a white Amazon bubble at the top of the blog page. http://bargainbanana.blogspot.com

By: Tara @ Feels like home

Tara @ Feels like home — Tue, 23 Sep 2008 21:07:30 +0000

I think you’re absolutely right, Heather. Men need to be respected. In her book, For Women Only, Ashaunti Feldman says that men would rather be unloved and alone and be disrespected. It’s fascinating, and I’ve seen it in my own husband.

In my own wedding, we both said, “love, honor, and cherish,” though in hindsight, I wish we would have both said “love, honor, and respect.” It would have had more meaning I think.

By: MInTheGap

MInTheGap — Tue, 23 Sep 2008 15:39:18 +0000

“Obey” is still in wedding vows? I don’t remember if it was in ours when I got married, but I am pretty sure that it wasn’t.

However, I can definitely go along with the respected part. It’s hard to lead if you have someone that doesn’t respect your leadership.

By: Kim

Kim — Tue, 23 Sep 2008 14:05:32 +0000

I think you hit the nail on the head with the respect thing. Men do need to be respected. Women as well, but being equal doesn’t equate to being the same. The things that make my husband feel important and loved and secure in our relationship aren’t the same things that make me feel those things. Those differences have to be kept in mind.

By: Heather @ Desperately Seeking Sanity

Heather @ Desperately Seeking Sanity — Tue, 23 Sep 2008 13:09:35 +0000

yeah, this whole obeying thing is tough for me too.. maybe that’s why i’m still single…

By: Jeni

Jeni — Tue, 23 Sep 2008 12:23:51 +0000

Great article today, Heather! Our ladies’ Bible class did a study last year called “For Women Only,” by Shaunti Feldman. In it she cited research that said that when polled, if they had to choose, men would rather be respected than loved. That’s a foreign concept to most women, who would rather be loved.

Another point she brought up in the study that really hit home for me is that we should respect our husbands unconditionally, just as our husbands are to love us unconditionally. Would we only want our husbands to love us when we were deserving of love? Of course not. We should respect them unconditionally, at all times.

By: Jen

Jen — Tue, 23 Sep 2008 11:00:38 +0000

I think the problem with that little word in marriage vows is not so much that it exists at all, but that it does not exists in the vows for the groom. Why shouldn’t we expect to be equal with equal respect and, okay, obedience in the marriage? We recently went to the wedding of a friend, and we were surprised at how the minister went on and on about how she needed to “obey” Husband in his message to the couple.

I disagree with your statement that “Men need to be respected.” I think everyone needs to be respected.

I am getting married next month, and our (female) minister has already said she will not include the “obey.”