photo by andronicusmax
Ladies, have you ever run into this kind of moment in your marriage?
You are busy, probably doing several things at once, while your husband is sitting and either reading a book, watching TV, or doing something on his computer. (Well, okay, that probably happens all the time but what I'm referring to is this next part.) You say to him from across the room something like, "Do you think we should buy the blue drapes or just wait until after we see your parents on Sunday to decide?"
And then, you wait. And you wait some more. And he doesn't appear to respond at all, or to have noticed your question. Depending on your temperament, or how much of a full stop you have to come to in your work to await his answer, this can be enough time to get seriously frustrated. In the time it takes to wait for him to answer, in your mind you have already thought a series of 10 thoughts or so that go from impatience all the way to indignation at being ignored in such a fashion.
And then he looks up and answers your question at last, or maybe even says, "What?" Has that ever started a fight at your house?
Anybody? Anyone at all? I see that hand.
Okay, here's a little secret, from me to you. Your husband, poor man, is a bit brain damaged. Mine is too.
photo by aigarius
When little boys are in utero, that Y chromosome causes a flood of testosterone at 6 weeks in their brain and they are forever changed. What this means is that their brains don't work the same way that a woman's does.
Some studies of MRI scans have shown that men have fewer neural pathways between the two hemispheres of their brain than women do. (Miller and Golden, 1998) Women tend to use both hemispheres of their brain more equally when it comes to speech than men do. This might be why we can talk while we are doing something else as well. It also means that we talk as part of our thought processes.
For your husband to interrupt what he is doing/thinking about long enough to look up and ask, "What?" he has to fire many more synapses and go through a longer relay chain in his brain before he can translate it into speech.
So in those long moments between question and answer, those moments when you are prone to going nuts, just count to 10, or 20 and bite your tongue. This is the sound of his brain trying to catch up to you!
OK Extraordinary Wives, time to sound off at The League! Can you relate? Can you offer some advice? Let us know!
If you'd like to join The League, please e-mail us at wedblissfully@gmail.com for an invitation.
Carrien writes about a lot of other stuff too at She Laughs at the Days.
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Waah.. Didn't know that guys brain function that way. It sets me thinking that I should drop more and extremely clear hints to hubby when I want him to do something. (besides repeating it 5 times!!)
Wonderful! i love that at last this information is going mainstream! This is actually information that has been known to the scientific community for quite a while, but on the down side this article does not explain the phenomenon completely. The advantage to having fewer pathways between hemispheres is that each one has a higher capability of working on it's own. In other words the focus on a single task is increased. Men and women are unique and should learn to accept the different approaches of each other.
Frank-You are absolutely correct. One advantage of the way the male brain works is a better ability to focus on single tasks for longer periods of time.
I wanted to focus more on how this difference affects communication. Especially from a woman's perspective as many woman aren't aware of it.
Thanks for bringing it up.
My husband will be thrilled to learn there is a biological reason for his inattention. Now he'll have all the excuses in the world!
Shalet– That's definitely spot on.
Seriously, though, we need to recognize and celebrate our differences, and in doing so we need to look to how we can help each other meet expectations.
You know, I actually knew this – studied this kind of thing in college and grad school (you can't avoid learning stuff like this in your physio psych classes, etc)… and I STILL want to murder my husband for his looooooong pauses and response times.
I guess that means I have more "jerk" synapses firing than normal, eh? ;-P
Biological or not, ONE problem is that you didn't address him. You just started in on your sentence. Regardless of biological or practical concerns, that's just plain rude — it means 'Whatever I say, even with no warning whatsoever, is more important than whatever you may be thinking about, doing, or listening to.' Be polite — start the conversation of with "Hey honey. "
Next, be understanding if he says 'Hang on a sec.' Let him finish the sentence he's reading, or the thought he's in the middle of.
In addition to being able to gain his whole attention this way, you frustrate yourself and your spouse less. Simply put, be polite! It pays dividends.
Lastly, I prefer to consider it "focus." It can be a good thing! Learn to let him use it as an advantage to things he's doing, just as multitasking can be an advantage in the ways you do things. Use strengths, work around weaknesses.
I would just like to point out, in case it's not as obvious as I intended, that the tone of this piece is meant to be a little bit tongue in cheek.
I'm not man bashing, as you will notice if you read comment #3.
And Bob, for the record, I am not a feminist. Not in the common understanding of the term anyway. I don't believe women should try to be the same as men. I believe that we have inherent differences between genders, biological and psychological, and that our opposing strengths complement each other. I don't want to be treated like a man. I want to be respected as a woman by men and women alike.
Sooooo glad mine isn't the only one… so is there any way to fix it? (jk, jk)
From the Article: "Your husband, poor man, is a bit brain damaged."
carrien wrote: "…the tone of the piece is meant to be a little tongue in cheek… …I'm not man bashing, as you will notice if you read comment #3."
Perhaps you should mention this in the text of the article itself, so that those who do not take the time to read the comments are not offended.
Shalet wrote: "My husband will be thrilled to learn there is a biological reason for his inattention. Now he'll have all the excuses in the world!"
Your attitude of superiority is sickening to me. I agree with carrien when she says that "[men and women's] opposing strengths compliment each other."
Bob wrote: "If a website did the same thing with roles reversed (Women are brain damaged because of estrogen, they can't help being weak and helpless), you would be clamoring about sexism."
An excellent point, though when you go on to surmise that you might also hit a woman if you were in a similar position, I can't say agree at that point.
Hans wrote: "Man, all that extra brainpower and you girls still can't park properly? What a waste.."
Hans, while I understand that you are offended and hurt by the content of this article, I would suggest that we should not fight fire with fire, but rather build bridges with members of the opposite sex. After all, we're all human, first and foremost. We're all on the same side, here.
This isn't just junk science, it's downright wrong. An extended neural pathway wouldn't account for the pause you're describing. This is sexism, however well intentioned it may be, and it's not appreciated.