Earlier this week, I found out I’m pregnant. Again.
I wish I was excited. I want to be excited. But getting excited now means the pain of miscarrying later will be that much harder to cope with.
No, miscarriage isn’t exactly inevitable for me. It’s true that I’m blessed with three beautiful daughters. However, I’ve also had three early miscarriages, and with the most recent one still very fresh in my mind, I can’t help but feel like something is very, very wrong with me.
My OB tried to reassure me with platitudes about “bad luck” and statistics about the number of pregnancies that end in miscarriage, saying that current studies show I’m no more likely to have another miscarriage than I was before my first. That’s all nice and neat to write on my chart, but regardless of the statistics, I’ve been on the losing side of them three times now, and they do anything but comfort me.
I don’t know where this online journal is going to take us. I can hope – although I’m afraid to let my mind wander there for even a second – that in 7 or 8 months I’ll be holding a tiny newborn with ten perfect fingers and ten perfect toes.
But I’m not naive enough to think that outcome is guaranteed. I may be writing again in a week, or two, or three, to tell you I’ve had my fourth miscarriage.
I don’t know what I’ll do if that happens. I don’t feel like I can handle it. I don’t think I’m strong enough, or have enough faith, to get through it. I asked my husband to get a vasectomy the last time we miscarried, and while that is not what I want for our family, it may be better than the alternative.
For now, while a corner of my heart holds out hope that this baby will thrive, I’m keeping my reality in the forefront of my mind. Maybe, just maybe, I can keep myself from getting too attached to this baby, from dreaming of the moment I will look into his or her eyes for the first time.
If I can, maybe I can keep my heart from shattering once again.
Photo by hubb-a-dubbs
Mandi Ehman is a WAHM to three little girls (4, almost-3 and 1). She can be found sharing her organizational and time management tips at Organizing Your Way and making the most of every moment with her girls at Doodles’ Place.
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I’m so sorry for your previous losses, but I pray that this pregnancy is a long and healthy one! May you be blessed with the insanity of four kids!
I suffered my first loss in September of this last year…and I might be pregnant again. I’ve had four successful, uneventful pregnancies prior to my loss…but the “picture” is never quite as clear as it was prior…now there is that “OMGoodness, it *can* happen to me!”.
I am so sorry for your losses, and I truly hope that your wee one grows, and thrives, and that a year from now, you’ll have had another “first Christmas”….
((HUGS)) and many, many prayers..
I pray that you have a happy and healthy pregnancy. Faith will bring you and your baby through this.
I know that it is not easy to release that fear. I am so afraid every day that I am able to carry and deliver a healthy child. I realize that worrying will decrease the likelihood of delivering a healthy baby. So relax, and enjoy the miracle!
Be blessed!
i know what you are feeling. i had 4 miscarriages before i had my first daughter,and another after her. finding out i was pregnant was not always a happy thing for me either.
i wish the best for you and hope that this little baby will join your family.
I can so relate to how you feel. I waited 4 years to get pregnant the first time, and had a girl. Miscarried when she was 15 months and then a second daughter was born when the first was 29. I didn’t get pregant again for nearly 5 years – only to have 2 miscarriges in a row. I refused to even get excited when I got pregnant again in Oct. 2004. But have a healthy little boy. Last year I had 2 more misscarriages – the last one was after 13 weeks – I had finally let myself get excited – it was a terrible blow. Each time I take a pregnancy test I cry whether it is positive or negative anymore. I always wanted a big family.
I will be keeping you in my prayers.
Oh girl, I’m praying for you. I know how it feels to want a baby and then lose it. It’s happened to me more times than I count in the last 12 years. Most recently christmas morning of 2008! I will be praying with everything that is within me that this baby grows strong and we get to meet him/her in a 7-8 months. God Bless you and take care of yourself.
(((hugs)))
Karen @ Lil Momma’s Haven