Between Hope and Fear is an online journal written by Mandi Ehman. You can find the Between Hope and Fear archives here or access all of Blissfully Domestic's online journals here.
Well, I've made it to the seven-week mark, which is farther than I made it last time, and I'm consistently and increasingly nauseous. In my heart, I believe that this baby is healthy and that I'm not going to miscarry this time, but in my mind, I'm afraid to say that out loud…or to write it.
I've decided it's a cruel, cruel joke that I'm already showing – and more than a little. It's no fun to look pregnant and wonder if I'll still be pregnant in 3 weeks. I'm not sure we could have kept the pregnancy a secret even if we'd wanted to with the way I'm popping out, but I've never been very good about keeping those things to myself, so maybe my body is just following my lead.
When I'm feeling nauseous, it's easy to focus on the hope and dreams of a new little baby. It's during those times that I dream of what it will be like to have a fourth little pixie girl or our first baby boy. I've almost given up all hope of protecting my heart, but the fear is never far away. Sometimes it's a sharp stab of fear when I realize I haven't been nauseous for several hours, and other times it's just a dull ache reminding me of the babies we've lost and the possibility of it happening again.
But I don't want to surrender to the fear, even if it is the safer choice for my heart. I want to dream of this baby. I want to laugh with my husband as we wonder how in the world we're going to balance having four children under five years old.
Fear might be safer, but it feels good to hope and dream and plan.
Photo by Mitch59
Mandi is a WAHM to three little girls (4, almost-3 and 1). She can be found sharing her organizational and time management tips at Organizing Your Way and making the most of every moment with her girls at Doodles' Place.
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I wanted to say congratulations! And that I so understand where you are at. I'm 7 weeks pregnant with my 3rd. I have 2 beautiful girls and have lost 2. And although the doubt nags at my brain I refuse to let it take over, and instead hope and dream. I'm looking forward to reading your journal.
Thanks for sharing your story, Mandi! Wishing you all the best… including a healthy, full-term baby.
I had horrible nausea/vomiting with my DD. My OB and my mom (an RN) told me that nausea is a good sign that you have a healthy baby. They said that most women who miscarry don't have nausea. Hope that makes you feel better. Wishing the best for you and your baby.
I am also 7 weeks along. praying for you.
Mandy,
I know exactly what you're going thru. I've had two miscarriages-one at 6 wks, one at 11 wks. This is my third pregnancy, and I'm now 14 w 3 days. I am not "feeling" pregnant right now-no fetal movement, and all of my things from the first trimester have almost disappeared-no more morning sickness an no more breast tenderness-which is good, but does little to reassure people like us. However, the nausea didn't occur with the first two, so I'll take any sign of a healthy pregnancy. I know it's not reassuring, but try not to stress-God's will will be done. Spend your time loving and playing with your 3 daughters, and then you'll realize another day has passed and all is still well with your pregnancy. I have a BIG prayer list of pregnant friends, friends who have had losses, etc, and I will add you to it-just remember, you've been thru it before, and you are obviously a STRONG woman! Keep your chin up and your prayers faithful. I am thinking of you!
Susannah
I've been praying that things are going well with you. I was surprised the other day to discover I'm pregnant again. Time will tell if this will be healthy baby 4 or miscarriage 6. I try not to think about it and just concentrate on staying healthy and raising the other 3.