I remember the early days of my relationship with my husband – he and his ex would have these huge blowout fights about nearly every topic under the sun. The phone would ring, I'd see her number on caller ID and would cringe, knowing full well that nothing good would come out of the exchange.
Everything was difficult – planning weekends, making changes to the schedule, pick ups and dropoffs. The constant stress made me crazy.
Recently our family counselor said, "The thing is, divorce takes marriage skills. Divorced parents have to work together to schedule. Compromise and coordination are needed. These are things that if the couple was able to do in the first place, well, they might actually still be together."
And he's right. The degree to which the parents are required to work together, even after their marriage has dissolved is pretty astronomical when kids are involved. Though it would seem that perhaps the last thing parents want to do is be buddy-buddy with their ex, it's key to remember one of my favorite blended family mantras: "Love your child more than you hate your ex." (I'm sure I've used that phrase here before – I use it often, because really? It's so key).
When possible, leave the emotion out of dealings with the other parent if the feelings are still raw or easily triggered. Keep conversations short. Communicate by writing/email if it cuts down the tension. Working together is necessary and is so important for the children.
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The timing of this post is non other than divine! I'm currently experiencing this and feel like I'm going crazy too… How did you handle your own emotions in this? How did you manage to support your husband and keep your sanity?
Admittedly, I didn't always handle my emotions very well because it's hard when there is so much negativity surrounding your life – and often times, it's negativity you can't control.
Once the arguing chilled out (and it helps if both parties can cut the emotion out of the dialogue, or just keep things to the point and not get into delving into the past — which happens A LOT), a lot of the tension did too.
It might be helpful to remind your husband that the only obligation he has to his exwife is to communicate and co-parent the children with her. He doesn't have to be her friend, he doesn't have to rehash the past – if he can keep things on topic (kids, kids, kids) that helps tremendously.
I think this topic will hit a sore spot with any blended family. I completely agree that in order for the two parents to work together it takes marriage skills, and that it is hard to come by two exes working that well together because they never developed those skills together in the first place!
My husband and his ex have their moments, but most of the time they get along (as long as he gives in to her every request with the boys). I don't think many people realize how much the relationship between the two exes effects the new people in their lives.
This is when court ordered parenting plans are a Godsend. No communication or compromise necessary after things are hammered out in black & white, through the attorneys or Mediator. No room for games, or power plays, or controlling exes, or misunderstandings.