A few years ago, Facebook was the province of college kids. Before too long, teens and tweens joined the fray. Now the rest of us are logging on.
It won’t be long before these girls join, and apparently their grandmothers are already out there.
I’ve written about the pros and cons of Facebook on my personal blog, but until recently I hadn’t really thought about the obvious: What do you do when your old boyfriend comes a-calling? Ignoring someone you once knew so well seems cold; becoming online Friends with your ex sounds a bit iffy.
My real-life friend, who shall remain nameless, tells the story of two high school sweethearts in separate, unhappy marriages who reconnected on FB. Now, these unhappily married FB Friends are hoping to meet up in a faraway city. Perhaps they’ll just have coffee? Regardless of what happens, though, it doesn’t look good, does it?
The thing is, love and lust and desire are difficult creatures. And envy-that old grass is greener thing-is aptly named as one of the world’s Seven Deadly Sins. While most of us in strong, loving marriages wouldn’t look twice at an ex on FB, Friend or not, we need to be cognizant of the temptation. Depending on your emotions and circumstances-and his emotions and circumstances-reconnecting can be a slippery slope.
There are plenty of exceptions, I know. For example, if by “ex-boyfriend,” you mean a kid you once dated for a few weeks in high school, there’s probably no issue. If you didn’t know his middle name then, you probably won’t spend hours now pining for what could have been.
I suppose, in fact, that even if your relationship with your ex was a bit more serious-or even very serious-being Friends on FB could work out just fine. A few general niceties; “Your family is cute.” “Hope life has treated you well.” The end. No harm. No foul.
I suppose.
But. Still.
Turn the tables for just a minute. Think about how you’d feel if your husband’s ex was his FB Friend. How would you feel if she popped by his FB page every day or two and remarked on how handsome he was, or how successful she had become, or left him regular reminders of that great night they had at prom. Despite the beautiful photos of her family on her own FB page it could make you uncomfortable, am I right?
When we make these All-Important Facebook decisions, considering our husband’s perspective ought to be front and center. After all, he beat the Ex fair and square.
Bottom line? Evaluate your past and present honestly. And if you decide you’re comfortable being FB Friends with your Ex, at the very, very least I think you ought to inform your spouse. And be sure to Friend him, too.
photo credits: whiteafrican and brennan.v
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I have only added on as a friend because his profile was private, and I wanted to see how much better off my life was.
I looked once, and haven’t been back since.
I messaged back and forth with an old flame. One night my husband saw some of the messages and it crushed him. The look I saw on his face brings me to tears this day. IT’S NOT WORTH IT! Even if you think it’s harmless fun, it could very quickly turn into something more than that. I never intended to meet up or do anything outside of the internet, but the reminiscing and the “what-if”s were extremely unhealthy. I will never again do anything I wouldn’t be 100% comfortable having my husband see.
Britt,
I can’t imagine how hard that was–I appreciate your sharing this so we can all learn from your experience.
Kirsetin
My husband & I are both facebook friends with some of our exes. Certainly, there are some that you draw the line with.. using wisdom. There are even some that we communicate with as friends. but the very important distinction is we both have complete access to each other’s facebooks and e-mail accounts. While I know at anytime one of us could decide to sneak behind each other’s back and cheat at our safeguards in place… I think that is always the risk in marriage.
Facebook acts as a sort of news network about yourself — your family, your friends, your activities — that can only be used by people to whom you give express permission.
From that perspective, adding someone as a friend on Facebook isn’t so much of an acknowledgment of friendship as it is allowing that person into your personal news network — letting them read all about your life, and contribute (or merely observe) as they see fit.
My concerns, then, would be similar to Kirsetin’s — who gets to see what is essentially my personal life, online?
I don’t hesitate — and nor do I see a foul, or harm done — to limit access to, or even refuse to add, people who perhaps shouldn’t see this much of me. Certain acquaintances, work associates (especially superiors), people who make you uncomfortable, exes: if you have any doubt that this person should have full access to your life, do something about it.
The best part: Facebook is granular enough to control exactly how individual people see you, and how much they can see. Go to
/Settings/Privacy Settings/Profile
and type in one of your friend’s names. From here, you can control exactly what that person sees when they view your profile.
If you’re concerned about re-connecting with someone from your past, you can use these features to preempt something you might not want to happen.
Great info, Christy! Thanks for providing that info about privacy settings.