How to Get Through The Hard Times Together

I asked my husband what he thought I should write about this week and he said, “the value of hardship and difficulty in a marriage.” So I sat down to write about that before I realized that that’s not quite right. That he perceives the hardship and difficulty we have endured as valuable is more indicative of his particular mindset than of the value of hardship itself.

Hardship can do one of two things in a marriage; that I have observed. It can contribute to its destruction, or it can bring you even closer together and make your marriage even stronger. The key is in how you choose to respond to difficult circumstances.

• You can blame each other; remind each other of all the mistakes made that led to this point.
• You can harbor anger, resentment and bitterness in your heart regarding how difficult it is for you to deal with current circumstances.
• You can fight a lot.
• You can become so wrapped up in your own distress that you are blind to the needs and distress of your spouse and your children.
• You can make “Being [insert your own adjective here] again your all consuming quest, even if that thing is obtained at the cost of your marriage and family.

Those kinds of choices don’t really make a marriage strengthener of hardship and difficulty.

Or, there is the other option.

• Forgive each other, remembering your own mistakes and staying silent about your spouse’s except where it can be truly productive. The first rule in the book How to Win Friends and Influence People is: Don’t Criticize. It’s good advice.
• Resolve to make the best of your circumstances. Get creative. Find the bright side. Make dealing with hard things an adventure, a challenge, a problem to be solved, rather than something that you are the hapless victim of.

• Remember to be kind to each other. You are both suffering and feeling raw emotionally. Make it a point to touch more, to smile at each other more often, to talk together, and to listen. Make random back rubs a habit.
• Be aware of the needs around you, and even take pleasure in those that you are able to fill, both in your own home, and in the community around you. When money is short there is still the gift of time, attention, care. You may have to turn the heat way down at night because the heating bill is so expensive, but that doesn’t mean you can’t heat things up in bed, for example.
• Prioritize your commitment to your marriage and family. Direct your energy towards taking care of them, even when it’s hard.

• Life is full of seasons, always changing, and the way things are right now is only a temporary state of being. What are a few years of difficulty in light of a 60 year marriage?

You can come out of a hard time with better character, a more solid appreciation and admiration each other, and deeper trust that you can weather the storms together. Or not. It’s all in how you choose to respond to it.

Photos by wolfsavard