No, no, not me! That’s not my sentiment. (Hello, Mother-in-Law, Faithful Reader that you are.) But it’s a sentiment that’s echoed daily in women’s circles. When it comes to the women who raised our husbands, there’s rarely middle ground. Sometimes it starts out that way. As newlyweds, we try to embrace one another’s families. We put on our manners, our best game face, and avoid discussing "hot button" topics. We try, as new wives, we really do. But in time, we discover that people are people. There are bound to be disagreements.
Love ‘em or loathe ‘em, they’re here to stay. And we should be glad for that—because if all goes well, one day we’ll be the mother-in-law. M-I-L’s to-be, that’s us. Needless to say, it’s to our benefit to figure out how to live with them. Not literally, of course (!), but to survive, and even thrive, as part of the same family.
Today we'll look at three of five tips to keep the family waters calm and to keep you from tipping over her canoe when they’re not.
- Keep a journal of the good, bad and the ugly. There’s no teacher quite like experience, right? Understanding how you feel, as the wife, while you’re in the thick of it can help you be a better MIL later. Write down how you feel in different circumstances. Keep a list of ways that your MIL handles things really well. What did she say? What did she do? Keep track, too, of things that are difficult—be sure to explain to yourself how and why you feel the way you do. It seems so obvious now, but in fifteen or twenty years it won’t be so clear. Having a journal to refer to—sort of a "Guide to Being the MIL I Want to Be"—can help you sort things out when you’re on the other side.
- We come in all shapes and sizes. And we come with all sorts of opinions, habits, and personality quirks. I, for example, like all of the handles on my coffee mugs to face the same way. Weird? Maybe. What does it mean that I like my coffee mug handles lined up like soldiers? I don’t know, but it sure doesn’t mean I don’t have better things to do. And it doesn’t mean my way is the right way. It doesn’t mean anything, perhaps, other than that I like order. But it could lead to all sorts of conflict. Repeat after me: It’s not my way or the highway. It’s not my way or the highway. This mantra seems silly, but if you are two birds of a different feather, understanding that her way is just different, not wrong, will help you get through the day.
- She’s doing her best. Unless you’re in an unusually dysfunctional situation, your MIL did the best she could when she raised your husband, and now she’s doing her best to be a good MIL to you. Granted, her idea of “best” may be vastly different from your idea of “best” (put that wish list away, ladies), but she’s trying, just like you are trying. Give her the benefit of the doubt and recognize that everyone makes mistakes from time to time.
We'll continue this tomorrow with two more tips on navigating the waters of the mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship.
photo credits: Beachcomber1954 and blhphotography
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As the author of What's a Mother (in-Law) To Do? 5 Essential Steps to Building a Loving Relationship with Your Son's New Wife, which was released by Simon & Schuster last month, I appreciated your "words of wisdom." I wrote my book when my son became engaged as a gift to my future (now present) daughter-in-law so that I could do the best possible job as her mother-in-law.
I also am the In-Law Relationship columnist for the Examiner.com and write on this subject several times a week.
Thanks for your insight!