Whenever women gather, all around the world, they share a bond when they discuss their mothers-in-law. Wives nod in understanding or agreement when we describe how lucky we are to have scored such a good MIL, and nod again when someone else runs down their laundry list of completely reasonable complaints.
Today we take a look at two final tips for making your relationship with your MIL a little easier to handle. (Read Part One here.)
4. Be specific. More than likely, in time, you’re going to have to have some sort of conversation with your husband that starts like this: "Your mother never… or Your mother always…" Superlatives will get you nowhere, so just go ahead and get rid of them. If you’re having a tough time with your mother-in-law, be specific. For example: "It bothers me when your mother doesn’t have our children brush their teeth in the morning after a sleepover." Let your husband know what bothers you, then talk to your mother-in-law yourself. Don’t text her. Don’t e-mail her for goodness sakes. Get some cojones and talk to her face to face. It’s the old "Do Unto Others." If something you were doing really bothered your daughter-in-law, especially something that was easy to remedy, like brushing teeth, wouldn’t you want her to mention it? Your MIL will probably appreciate your forthrightness, too.
5. Not gonna change her. If a woman’s first mistake is looking past a man’s faults in the hopes that he’ll change after they walk down the aisle, her second is assuming that she can change her mother-in-law. No way, no how, this ain’t gonna happen. So give it up. Think of it this way: how do you feel about breast vs. bottle? If she takes a hard stance the other way, showing you research, talking to you about the pros and cons, really trying to sway you to her point of view, are you going to change your mind? (Seriously, that’s just rhetorical.) No, you’re not going to change your mind because you can think for yourself and you have very good reasons for believing the way you do. Life is like this one little issue. We all have years of input and experiences that shape us. So do our mothers-in-law. Understand that sometimes you will just have to agree to disagree and move on.
Putting these ideas into practice can help you if your main differences are differences of opinion, or style, and in the fundamental aspects of life, you are all on the same page. Theoretically, this shouldn’t be too tough, since you’re married to her son, but man, oh man, it doesn’t seem to be that easy, does it?
If you are in a difficult situation, with someone who doesn’t respect your marriage, your ideals, or any number of other things about you, it’s a tough road. I am in no way suggesting that doing these things will dramatically improve your relationship with such a mother-in-law. It can’t help you fix in-laws who buy your kids too much stuff or never buy your kids stuff; have a different value &/or belief system; or don’t have any interest in playing with your kids. Recognizing that a MIL like that is simply human, and different, won’t necessarily help you feel one iota better. It might, however, help you to be a little more generous with empathy when it’s your turn, and perhaps that’s the best you can hope for. And your future daughter-in-law sure will appreciate it!
photo credits: mckaysavage, Fred Hsu, Tobyotter
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So here's a question for you or anyone else who is reading this, what do I do about a MIL that wants to be best friends because she never had a daughter and desperately wants one? But my BIL's girlfriend and I have good relationships with our own mothers but our MIL tries to push a close mother-daughter relationship with her on us. I don't particularly like her anyway(she only cleans her house once every 3 months so it is always nasty, she is rather loud and obnoxious, offers unsolicited advice constantly, and a few other minor things) but am willing to be friendly with her. The problem is she constantly calls my BIL's girlfriend and I "the daughters she never had." Its a lot of pressure and neither one of us want that type of relationship with her. I also have nothing in common with her and am almost dreading the day we have kids because we view all that stuff differently and she loves to give unsolicited advice and expects you to follow it to the letter. Part of that is because she teaches high school.
So now that I've ranted on for far too long, any suggestions on how to approach this without hurting her feeling?