“I have often had the fancy that one stage in Purgatory might be a great big kitchen in which things are always going wrong – milk boiling over, crockery getting smashed, toast burning, animals stealing. The women have to learn to sit still and mind their own business. The men have to learn to jump up and do something about it. When both sexes have mastered this exercise, they go on to the next.”
C. S. Lewis wrote this in a letter to an American pen pal, as he was noting differences he observed between men and women. I laughed when I read it, but it stuck with me because I realize I’ve become more and more able to just sit there. (I’ll ace this level in Purgatory, so that’s good news.)
It bothers me that I can sit there, look past the mess, and think a) I’m a failure, and yet b) it’s a losing battle, and yet c) it shouldn’t matter that it’s uphill both ways in the snow – I should care!
Women have a reputation for wanting or needing to “do it all.” We feel guilty when things fall through the cracks, when we can’t keep all the balls in the air. Lewis also said:
“Don’t be too easily convinced that God really wants you to do all sorts of work you needn’t do. Each must do his duty 'in that state of life to which God has called him.' Remember that a belief in the virtues of doing for doing’s sake is characteristically feminine, characteristically American, and characteristically modern: so that three veils may divide you from the correct view!”
I re-read that several times, tying to apply this wisdom to my own life. Still, it is not clear to me. The “state of life” to which I appear to be called at the moment is a state of chaos and distraction. So what is the “correct view” of my role right now? I’m not one to argue with C. S. Lewis, but I do believe he had a housekeeper
I know that the house being clean and neat would help my family function better. I know it makes me happier, less stressed out, and as such a better wife and mother. I'm wondering how to discern God’s will in this. If I can find it under all this dust.
Amy Smith has a mommy blog, http://www.milkbreathandmargaritas.com, where she writes about parenting, marriage, travel, food, and shoes. Also, the day she wrote this post her husband, knowing nothing about the post, cleaned the kitchen and vacuumed! (He’ll pass this level of Purgatory too!)
photo credit: Daniel West
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Hi Amy…this is a great post!
I do the same thing….I can usually look past the mess. I have actually LEARNED to look past the mess because every time I would TRY to clean up….my son would follow after me pulling everything out again. So what's the point? Now I just try to clean up after he's in bed.
This was a fun read. Thanks for posting! (And I love C.S. Lewis!!)
MariLee – Oh I know that feeling of them trashing along behind you, undoing everything.
Last night my 2 yr old watched my 7 yr old dump out a box of Matchbox cars in the family room and he turned around and in his baby voice yelled, "Dad! He dumpin'!"
Not that they've heard "don't dump that out!!" like a thousand times or anything.
Oh my gosh, I could have written this! Well, except for the quotes by CS Lewis. I would have had to look those up or something. But the rest of it? You were definitely reading my mind! I just listened to a sermon this morning about how there's not enough time to get everything done and figuring out if our priorities line up with God's priorities – and I just don't know. Maybe those are under the dust bunnies in MY house!
Mary – It is a huge struggle! I imagine we all feel this way to a degree, and for me having a full time job just does me in. We lost our housekeeper last year and in good recessionista fashion did not replace her. I hate it. I don't know the answer.
I can so relate to this post Amy. I have been increasingly stressed each morning as I leave the house resigned to come home to it looking like a mosh pit of toys. UGH! I'm trying to balance teaching the girls to clean up (rather than me going all control freak on them and just "doing it myself") and also just trying to let go a little.
I have had this fantasy lately of being a SAHM and dropping the girls off at school and then doing nothing but organizing and cleaning and doing dinner prep.
And then I would probably go insane. Heh.
I type all this as I "should" be picking up around this crazy house!
If I worked outside the home, I'd definitely use my salary for housekeeping help!
My kitchen is the pits right now. I have to swallow the guilt and tell myself it's just a part of life with preschool kids.
I thought it impossible to love C.S. Lewis more, but apparently, I was wrong. Thanks for the insight.