Just One is an online journal written by Kelly. You can find the Just One archives here or access all of Blissfully Domestic's online journals here.
My mother is a sick woman. In the 32 years I have known her, she has suffered from all manner of illnesses, both real and imagined. Her skills as a hypochondriac have evolved to the point where she is now capable of manifesting an ailment completely out of thin air. Needless to say, I have some unresolved issues regarding sickness.
As the child of a mentally ill mother, I am constantly worrying about how my behavior will affect my own child long-term. I have terrible memories of my mother being "sick." I remember the moment when I realized I didn't care anymore and the guilt haunts me. I still have a hard time sorting out my feelings when the people I love get sick and need to be taken care of. My husband and my daughter are not lifelong, illness con artists, but I find myself getting irritated with them against my better judgment. A career in health care was NEVER an option for me.
I recently got very sick with a double ear infection. I didn't need to have anything removed or irradiated, but it's just about the sickest I have ever been (c-section recovery exempted). As I suffered with the pain and the nausea, I began to feel guilty for being sick. I couldn't help but think I was traumatizing Violet. I know I am not my mother, but the pleading look in my daughter's eyes reminded me of my own confusing childhood. It was almost worse than the ear infection. Almost.
I am mostly better now, but I have conductive hearing loss. I still feel disconnected from Violet. I cannot appreciate the subtle cues of her sweet voice. I am constantly asking her to repeat herself.
Violet asks me everyday now, "Do you feel better?"
I lie.
"Yes baby. I feel much better."
photo by Kelly Crabtree
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