A lot of people do not know how to have sex. On the one side, we are inundated by an exhibitionist, anything goes sexuality in our pornographic laden culture and on the other side, there is nothing – an empty and lonely place where most of us live with our questions about sexuality and wondering what is normal. Even most “Better Sex” videos are so graphic that integrating the images into practice is a far reach. I sell products which I assure will provide the tools for a longer and more satisfying sex life, but the longer I do it, the more I recognize that even the best lube in the world is not going to work if you don’t know how to use it. So here’s a little guide to the steps of making a spark turn into flame in your bedroom.
Step one- Desire and Arousal or Arousal and Desire
Desire does not always precede arousal. Often times if you give yourself a chance to explore the purely physical sensations of scent and touch, the body itself will open up by itself to desire. Many a night, we have a pre-set agreement for an intimate rendezvous and I arrive exhausted with no desire in sight. This is where love oil comes in. Scent is experienced by the olfactory and registered in the limbic part of the brain- where memory, emotion and sexuality is waiting to be stirred. Discovering desire is about waking up arousal, it is lighting the fuse. For me it feels like a process of falling deep into my body, a journey that awakens feelings of a thousand tiny fireworks just under the skin. Each and every time, I take this journey of arousal, I realize again how cutoff I am from really feeling my body through most of my day. Good sex should always begin with this journey, where the goal is learning to feel everything.
Step two- Exploring fantasy
The body is now awake, so whether you have private fantasies that you would never repeat or enjoy visual candy in books or video together, or actually plan out and try on roles together, healthy sexuality lets us abandon our normal reasoning self for brief moments to let the bodies cravings lead the mind. Whether orgasm is easy or challenging to achieve has a lot to do with your ability to let go and experience the odd and fascinating part of being a sexual human. Experiencing the pleasure of intimate touch without any fear of being somehow abnormal (which pretty much most people fear about their sexual selves at some point…) is how you move towards orgasm. You can’t demand it, you can only make room for it. This is the place to experiment, see how different tactile surfaces and vibrations change and enhance your experience…. the flame builds.
Step three- Penetration and Lubrication
I never pull out the lubricant until I can’t stand it anymore, until I can’t wait another minute. It wouldn’t do its job in step one or step two, it wasn’t made for those places- it relies on your imagination and your willingness to do its job. Accepting anyone into you as deeply as intercourse provides for is a sacred and life changing moment. Lubrication eases the entry and creates a dynamic smooth gliding of tissue against tissue. Healthy lubricant ingredients not only soothe and heal during their use, but also build the elasticity and integrity of the tissue over time. There is nothing more explosive and deeply satisfying than sharing the fireworks of deep intimacy and connection of our most private selves.
So take the holiday to make your own fireworks and don’t hurry to the explosion- lighting the spark and fanning the flame are what makes the light in the sky so exciting.
photo credits: aurileide alves, foxiq, Melvin Muñoz
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I work 3-11 pm in a very stressful job, so when I get home, desirable/desiring is the ….well, way down on the list. I've found that pulling a Scarlett O'Hara (as in, "I'll think about that tomorrow…") consciously files my less-than-perfect day for future reference. That, along with a massage with some "smell-good" lotion or oil shuts off "working mommy" and turns on "yeah baby! mama" pretty much every time. WAHOO!
I like the point you make about lubrication. I never thought about how much more effective it is if you wait until just the right time.