A few weeks ago, as I twisted SLB's hair, I fell into the kind of meditative mood that comes from doing something really repetitive. SLB has long dreadlocks, as do our two oldest sons (my steps). My mind settled on this image of them, as teenagers, dressed in tuxedos, complaining while I twisted up their hair for prom. It was a maternal image, a happy one.
My stomach dropped as I realized they may never spend enough time here to go to a dance, or to make many close friends. We are the non-custodial parents, and we're out of state; these two factors are a double whammy (defined: the combination of two unusually adverse forces) when it comes to being around for those little moments.
A few nights later I crept into my youngest son's room, lifted him while he slept, laid him across my lap, and twisted his hair for the first time. While I twirled his soft brown curls between my fingers, I remembered that image from the week before.
SLB's phone rang, and it was Goldie, our middle son, calling to tell us he cut off his hair.
So where one begins, another ends. Am I sad? Sure, in the back of my mind. It's hard feeling like a family on hold, looking at pictures of that bald head smiling at us on the cell phone and wishing we were there taking the pictures instead. And it's even harder knowing that whatever pain I feel, it's a hundred times worse for SLB.
But in the front of my mind, I keep the moments we do get to share. Like seeing them play with their baby brother. Or the time when Puda was little and he climbed the rock wall at Dick's, his first rock climbing attempt, without hesitation. Or watching them gather eggs with my father on his farm, just like I used to as a little girl.
Of course it's hard, but if the world I am connected to through blogging has taught me anything, it's too be thankful for the time I have with my children. When we allow ourselves to fall into the tempting depths of bitterness, it poisons the time we do have together.
As for the custodial parents? There are so many things you go through that we can't understand. Remember, that goes both ways.
And keep taking the pictures.
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I love this post. It's amazing the "little moments" that really AREN'T so little.
As a kid who had a custodial parent and a non-custodial parent, as well as a couple step parents, I just want to point out that your kids are so lucky!! You love them so much even while you're far away! You're an awesome mom, Lucie!
This gave me some insight! while I am the custodial parent I sometimes forget to think about what the non-custodial parent goes through. Thank you.