Responsibilities of a Stepparent are as different as each stepfamily. What one stepparent may be responsible for in their family, another stepparent may not be responsible for in another family. It is up to the stepparent and the biological parent to decide what the role of the stepparent will be. The stepparent also needs to assert what they feel comfortable with doing or not doing. Here are some scenarios:
1. Cooking. A stepparent may not feel responsible for cooking for their stepkids and may say that the biological parent is responsible for cooking and/or making sure their kids have food to eat. On the other hand, the stepparent may really enjoy cooking and may not have a problem being responsible for the cooking. The other alternative is that the biological parent may not want to be responsible for the cooking, so the stepparent may be responsible for feeding the stepkids.
2. Cleaning. The biological parent may expect the stepparent to clean every room in the house, including the children’s bedrooms. The stepparent may see that the stepkids are not responsible in cleaning up their rooms and may say that the kids need to be responsible for picking up their own rooms, or the bioparent can clean their rooms.
3. Laundry. If the kids are old enough, lots of times kids do their own laundry. In some stepfamilies, the stepparent or biological parent does the laundry. Maybe every takes turns.
4. Driving. Driving the stepkids around can be a sticky situation. The stepparent may not feel that it is their responsibility to drive their spouse’s children around to different sports events and the like. The biological parent may have to be responsible for this or talk to the other biological parent, and work out some type of arrangement.
5. Discipline. The stepkids will probably not want the stepparent disciplining them. If the stepparent does discipline, they will probably hear, “you are not my parent, you can’t tell me what to do.” Some biological parents do not want to be the bad guy by being the disciplinarian, so the stepparent is forced into it and the stepkids may resent it as well.
Those are some key issues that should be discussed when becoming a stepfamily. They are all important and it is important that both the stepparent and the biological parent are on the same page and are a team regarding those issues.
Jersey Girl can also be found blogging at Steppin' Stuff.
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i am raising my stepkids. plus…my own. in my house…they are ALL treated exactly the same. and…i'm expected to do everyones laundry, beds, etc…
which is fine. because, we are trying to make this home as normal as we can. but i consider us to be lucky because, we got married when the oldest was 5 so…this is basically all they've ever known.
so really, while my husband and i are each step parents to a couple of full time kids…we are truly the REAL parents!!
great article!!
I agree with Melissa. I do not believe in treating my stepson any different than I would treat my biological children. I could not imagine having him live in my house, and not provide the things a proper parent would provide.
I believe that it is essential for couples to have extensive conversations about how this wish to raise their children (all children) BEFORE getting married. Once children are involved, we have to be a little less selfish, and remember that it is all about the children and our growth as a family. If not, there will never be a completely happy household.
It also needs to be a slow transition that includes the children and their vision of their new family. In a blended family, you have to consider the parents AND the children's feelings. My stepson does not call me Mom, but has talked about it with my husband. When he is ready,I will welcome the change. But regardless of what he calls me, he and I talk a lot, and it pleases me to know that he considers me a permanent part of his life. We can honestly sit back and joke about how things will be when he has to take care of me when I am old. For that, I would not mind the sacrifice of doing a little extra work to take care of him.
But in a family when there is no "ours" or "mine" children, and the only child is the stepchild (or stepchildren), I do think it's important for the couple to discuss the roles in house and there be an understanding. Idont thinkeither partner should ever ASSUME what the other will and will not be taking on.