I recently spent an afternoon in a house full of couples whose marriages were arranged. They are all from India. Most marriages in India are still arranged regardless of religion. They all thought it was a much smarter way to find a spouse than the typical western method. They are all happy, or at least content, in their marriages, and the rate of divorce in their circle of family and friends is virtually nil.
We started talking about why that is, which brought up some interesting points.
- Realistic expectations. When you meet your spouse for the first time the day before you marry them, you know that building a good marriage is going to take some work. You don't expect it all to be unicorns and rainbows. You expect to need to learn, grow, and compromise. It seems to be a bit more practical a foundation than mad hot passion.
- Lots in common. Marriages are arranged by parents and others who know the couple well. They choose compatible spouses for their children. Similar upbringing, social standing, background, education, religion, and even personality are things that are considered. When two people marry in India, two families agree to be joined too. It's something that is much more of a community event. Which leads me to the next point.
- Divorce is not an option. When a couple is having trouble in their marriage in Indian culture, every person they turn to on every side will support their marriage. No one will say, "You should really leave if you think it would make you happier." There is lots of advice, wisdom, and support, but it is all directed toward how to help the couple make things work and get past the rough patches. Of course this can be negative when there is an abusive situation going on. But imagine what it would be like in Western culture if the people in your community valued your marriage and it's survival, and rallied to help you stick it out.
- Mad hot passion can be cultivated. Indians are not shy about sex. Hello Kama Sutra. (Click at own risk, Wiki page contains a few illustrations of a graphic nature.) They expect that couples, in arranged marriages, will learn to be passionate lovers as well. Mothers tell their daughters how to please their husbands sexually. On all sides there is reassurance that sex gets better the longer you are married.
It's not romantic in the way we understand romance, but there is something to their pragmatism. An understanding that good relationships are cultivated. They don't just spring up like magic the way romantic comedies tell us they do, but they are possible to build when you are committed to the process.
I thought there was some wisdom in there somewhere that can apply to Western Marriages.
What do you think?
Photo by Island Spice
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I border on thinking arranged marriages are the way to go! Because you are not married based on fleeting attractions, and are commited to making things work. They know that loving is a choice, not a feeling.
Feelings come and go, commitment is there to stay.
I found this interesting. I do think that a lot of people get in the wrong relationships because of emotions, or because they don't know what a good mate for them would be. But I think the ultimate key for all marriages, even ones that aren't ideal, is the commitment and the "divorce is not an option" mentality. Me and the Hubster were both raised by parents who emphasized this, and it changes your whole attitude about marriage.
(Of course, there are always situations like adultery and abuse that change things.)
- Cesia.
I am also one who sees the beauty in these marriages. I think you brought up some very good points. Thanks for writing this :~)
I'd heard those things before, many years ago from a man I worked with who also came from India. I was left with the impression that their system, odd as it may have seemed to me, had a lot of good points. I wouldn't choose that. but I understand things better now.
Carrien, This is a great post and very insightful. Although most of us in western marriages "know" these things are true, it's interesting to see couples in arranged marriages living them out. I especially like your first point…that they "don't expect it to be all unicorns and rainbows." That's great! Funny, but we totally get it.
A modified form of the traditional arranged marriage takes place every day here in the US too…for those of us whose families are from "back home" but we were born and/or raised here, our families often play a critical role in our marriages.
I did however, find this statement of yours disturbing: "When you meet your spouse for the first time the day before you marry them…". Of the many couples I know who had arranged marriages, only one would fall under this category, and their marriage took place about 30 years ago. So this is most definitely not the norm at all anymore…we almost always have a time period in which we get to know the prospective spouse and actually make the decision to marry him/her or not – it's never a forced arrangement.
S-I only said that because at least two of my friends who had arranged marriages met in this way, and they are younger than I. I don't know the details of the others but I get the impression that they too only met just before their wedding.
No worries…I just wanted to point out that it's not really the norm…so many misconceptions exist as it is, I didn't want to perpetuate any more. : )