According to a recent survey and article from Parade magazine, 48% of men don’t have sex more often because their spouse isn’t interested. Yet 51% of women responders say they aren’t having enough sex! I’m guessing that the “48% of men” aren’t married to the other “51% of women”!

Whether you fall in with the “non interested” or the “not enough”, I’m reminded of what The Diaper Diaries said last year when she started her 1 Corinthians 7:5 Challenge aka “The Challenge”:

A lot of women post-kids complain about losing interest in sex. … Ladies, God gave us sex as a gift to enjoy with our husbands. Don’t believe me? How about a quick anatomy lesson? Women have something even men don’t when it comes to sex. An organ devoted entirely to sexual pleasure (if I lost you, it rhymes with Delores). So why aren’t we enjoying it more?

I strongly encourage you to read through “The Challenge” at The Diaper Diaries, it’s just what the “non interested” and “not enough” among us need to kick start a new era of loving in our marriages!

But don’t stop there! Alisa Bowman at Project Happily Ever After has some interesting suggestions for all of us:

• Lie on top of the sheets naked. Depending on the time of year and your level of privacy, open the window so you can feel a breeze on your skin. Close your eyes and relax (Don’t do the closing your eyes part, however, if you are so sleep deprived that you’ll end up falling asleep).
• Spice it up. Part of the turn-off of long-term monogamy stems from monotony-doing the same old sexual routine every single time. He kisses you here. Then you touch him there. Point A goes into slot B. Oh, so been there, done that. Try new locations. For instance, try out all of the rooms of your house. Then move to the backyard. Try new positions. Try new outfits.

There’s more at Project Happily Ever After, be sure to check out the rest of her list!

Now that you’ve got all this stimulating information, go on and make sure that your husband doesn’t fall in the 48% of men or you don’t fall in the 51% of women!

Malia is the Wedded Bliss editor and co-authors the blog, live. laugh. love., with her husband, DB.

Photo Credit: borax

Well Extraordinary Wives, which group do you identify with? Would you be willing to try any of the suggestions offered by these smart and creative Extraordinary Wives? We can dish about it at The League!

Due to the sensitive nature of this subject, comments are closed on this post. Discussions will be held at The League of Extraordinary Wives. For an invitation to The League, please e-mail us at wedblissfully@gmail.com.

#5 - Criticize all of his ideas.

Photo Credit: Capture Queen

• Do you veto an idea before your husband has even managed to express it fully?
• Do you know why it won’t work, and tell him its impractical and silly the instant he tells you about it?
• Do you ever support him when he wants to try something new or different?

What you may not know is that you are supposed to be his safe place to share, and to dream. From you he wants support, not criticism. You aren’t meant to be the place where he can only express an idea after he has thought about it for a while, has a detailed plan and is ready to present the idea with a power point slide show and a list of pros and cons. You are his wife. You are the safe place to let ideas and plans fly, to say what’s on his mind. He wants you to believe in him, especially because some times it’s hard for him to believe in himself.

Even if it’s just him thinking about taking the kids to the beach in the afternoon and you thinking he has no regard for naptime or how hard it is for you to deal with the kids when he interrupts the schedule, try to think of it from his perspective. He is expressing a desire to spend time with his children. Hear that, instead of the potential inconvenience, and it opens up a whole new range of possible responses other than, “You can’t take them out in the middle of naptime, are you crazy?”

We as wives say that we want our husbands to talk to us. We want them to share how they are feeling, what they are thinking. But then we often take the things that they share and stomp all over them, because we don’t recognize them as a way that he is trying to connect and let down his guard.

Photo Credit: idea-listic

Part of this can be because when a husband throws ideas around it’s frightening. When a man starts talking about quitting his steady, lucrative 9-5 to go homestead in the middle of a forest we get nervous. We want him to think along less risky pathways. A man who dreams can be threatening to us, especially if we are happy with the way things are at the moment.

But treating his ideas dismissively often has the effect of silencing him completely. Why would he want to open up to you if all you do is criticize?

Photo Credit:striatic

The next time your husband is thinking out loud, try to listen instead of react.

There are a lot of things to be learned about him if you just pay attention. Ask questions, not to prove that it’s a stupid idea, but to find out more about why he is interested. What about the prior example of homesteading appeals to him? Is he unhappy at work? Does he just think it’s a really cool idea?

Explore ideas together. Be honest about how you feel about things, but be willing to at least talk about it. You may find you like where it leads. At the least you will be keeping the lines of communication between the two of you open. And he will feel loved because you listened.

Carrien is moving to Thailand soon thanks to her husband. You can read more about their adventures at She Laughs at the Days

Read the other posts in this series: #6, #7, #8, #9, #10.

Amazing things can happen when we give our husbands room to explore their ideas! Do any of our Extraordinary Wives have stories like Carrien’s? Let’s share them at The League!

Not a member of The League of Extraordinary Wives?  E-mail us at wedblissfully@gmail.com for an invitation.

The following is a scene from the movie P.S. I Love You. Married couple, Gerry and Holly Kennedy, are having a doozy of a fight. The clip is about eight minutes long and the sound, at least for me, didn’t quite sync up with the video but you can still get the right idea of what is going on. (Don’t worry, if you’ve not seen the movie, this scene is not a “spoiler”.)

I don’t know about you but our fights don’t go from initiation to resolution in 8 tidy minutes. Wouldn’t it be nice sometimes to have a screenplay writer write your lines for your fight and wrap it up all nice and neat and lovely in the end?

Neat and tidy aside, there are some very true elements in Gerry and Holly’s fight that I’ve been guilty of when fighting or arguing with my husband.

• Assuming intent – Holly is sure that she knows exactly why Gerry told her mother that she’s not ready for a baby. She assumes his intent was to hurt her or “get back at her”. One of my favorite quotes is, “Never attribute to malice what can be attributed to ignorance.” Gerry didn’t know what he said would upset Holly so much as later confesses he’s still afraid her mother and didn’t know what to say. He wasn’t trying to hurt her.
• Insecurities & Jumping to Conclusions – Gerry tries to tell Holly that she’s all he wants but he’s not sure what she wants and she should tell him if he’s not what she wants. Holly immediately launches into, “So you want to leave?” Holly’s insecurities about herself have her thinking that Gerry may want to leave. Gerry just wants to know where he stands and what it is she wants from their relationship.
• Walking out – Here’s where I think Hollywood and real life really part ways. Gerry walks out for maybe 3 seconds of screen time then comes back and the big resolution takes place. I think walking out during a fight is wrong. I’ve done it and it’s been done to me and it never results in me running to my husband and jumping into his arms.

How about you? Do you see yourself in Gerry and Holly’s fight? Let’s talk about it over at The League.

Not a member of The League of Extraordinary Wives?  E-mail us at wedblissfully@gmail.com to ask for an invitation.

{Originally posted on August 7, 2008 by Malia}

Day 2: Love is kind- “Love makes you kind.  And kindness makes you likeable.” (p.6)

This was one of my favorite lines so far.  We need to be likeable to our spouses.  I know that my Hubby loves me, but I want him to like me as well.  And being kind is the key to being likeable.   Kindness encompasses gentleness, helpfulness, willingness, and initiative.  We need to display all four of these attributes toward our spouses.

The authors stress here that love is not just based on feelings.  “Love determines to show thoughtful actions even when there seems to be no reward.  You will never learn to love until you learn to demonstrate kindness.” (p.8)

As children we are taught to be kind to others. Learning this ability at a young age helps us to learn that we cannot be selfish in our actions toward others.  The selfish child soon learns that no one wants to play with him because he will not share his toys.

Likewise, if we are selfish in our marriages, we will soon discover that we cannot give and receive love.

Day 2 Dare: In addition to saying nothing negative to your spouse again today, do at least one unexpected gesture as an act of kindness.

I like how the second dare builds on the first.  It adds another dimension to our actions toward our spouse.  In addition to not yelling at my husband for not picking up his socks, I was able to take it a step further.  For this dare, I laid out Hubby’s work clothes for him while he was in the shower.  I firmly believe that he is an adult and is capable of doing this himself.  But today, I took the initiative to help him get ready for work.

Because life is not meant to be a do-it-yourself project, you can read more about parenting and faith at Heather’s personal blog Not a DIY Life.

Ladies, how are you taking the initiative in your marriage to show kindness, gentleness, and helpfulness?  Join us in The Love Dare Challenge group at The League and let us know how this dare worked for you!

Not a member of The League of Extraordinary Wives?  E-mail us at wedblissfully@gmail.com to ask for an invitation!

This series is based on the book The Love Dare from the movie, Fireproof.

#6-Belittle him in public.

Belittle-to regard or portray as less impressive or important than appearances indicate; depreciate; disparage. {Dictionary.com}

image by OH SHOUT UP

We’re all aware of the extreme version of this. The woman who makes jokes at her husband’s expense and the man who seems resigned, distant, and counting the minutes until he can get away again. He seems to have given up on ever being able to please her, and she seems bent on trying to shame him into being the man she wants him to be. It’s distinctly uncomfortable to be around such a couple when this is going on.

Image from philiphe

Belittling your husband can also happen in far more subtle ways though and we don’t always realize that we’re doing it. It can be as simple as comparing him to someone else’s husband. You can shame him just by sighing and saying, “I wish my husband would do that. You are so lucky.”

Eventually your husband may conclude that there is no point in trying to please you any more, and stop trying. You may be mystified as to the cause of his withdrawal and absence, either emotional or physical.

Or when you tell a funny story about him, and it is funny, but it’s a little bit embarrassing, are you sure that he doesn’t mind? Some men may privately wish you wouldn’t do that, even if they put a good face on it for the people listening.

photo by matrianklw

If the story, or the way you tell it, shows a lack of respect for your husband, or could in some way cause others to lose respect for him, it’s probably better not to tell it. Remember, it’s really important to your husband to feel respected by you and by others.

Do you say mean things about him to others after a disagreement? Do you use the public setting to diffuse your anger and let slip things you want to say but don’t feel safe saying to his face? That’s a big no no. Not only does it make your friends and acquaintances extremely uncomfortable, it can cause a rift that can take a long time to heal.

image by Sontra

If you are in the habit of saying negative things about your husband to other people, stop. Now. That’s the kind of thing the old proverb is talking about when it says, “The wise woman builds her house, but the foolish tears it down with her own hands.”

by dewfall

No good can come of saying negative things about your husband in front of other people. When you have something negative to work through, save it for a private time with a trusted counselor or friend. Or write it down and work through it. A little way down the road, things will look different, and you’ll be glad you didn’t say anything you’ll both regret later.

Carrien - She Laughs At The Days

Read the other posts in this series: #7, #8, #9, #10.

What do you think Extraordinary Wives? So many things fall under the “Do unto others” commandment and this is one of them! Let’s encourage each other to be building up our husbands in public, not tearing them down.

Not a member of The League of Extraordinary Wives?  E-mail us at wedblissfully@gmail.com for an invitation.