#5 - Criticize all of his ideas.

Photo Credit: Capture Queen

• Do you veto an idea before your husband has even managed to express it fully?
• Do you know why it won’t work, and tell him its impractical and silly the instant he tells you about it?
• Do you ever support him when he wants to try something new or different?

What you may not know is that you are supposed to be his safe place to share, and to dream. From you he wants support, not criticism. You aren’t meant to be the place where he can only express an idea after he has thought about it for a while, has a detailed plan and is ready to present the idea with a power point slide show and a list of pros and cons. You are his wife. You are the safe place to let ideas and plans fly, to say what’s on his mind. He wants you to believe in him, especially because some times it’s hard for him to believe in himself.

Even if it’s just him thinking about taking the kids to the beach in the afternoon and you thinking he has no regard for naptime or how hard it is for you to deal with the kids when he interrupts the schedule, try to think of it from his perspective. He is expressing a desire to spend time with his children. Hear that, instead of the potential inconvenience, and it opens up a whole new range of possible responses other than, “You can’t take them out in the middle of naptime, are you crazy?”

We as wives say that we want our husbands to talk to us. We want them to share how they are feeling, what they are thinking. But then we often take the things that they share and stomp all over them, because we don’t recognize them as a way that he is trying to connect and let down his guard.

Photo Credit: idea-listic

Part of this can be because when a husband throws ideas around it’s frightening. When a man starts talking about quitting his steady, lucrative 9-5 to go homestead in the middle of a forest we get nervous. We want him to think along less risky pathways. A man who dreams can be threatening to us, especially if we are happy with the way things are at the moment.

But treating his ideas dismissively often has the effect of silencing him completely. Why would he want to open up to you if all you do is criticize?

Photo Credit:striatic

The next time your husband is thinking out loud, try to listen instead of react.

There are a lot of things to be learned about him if you just pay attention. Ask questions, not to prove that it’s a stupid idea, but to find out more about why he is interested. What about the prior example of homesteading appeals to him? Is he unhappy at work? Does he just think it’s a really cool idea?

Explore ideas together. Be honest about how you feel about things, but be willing to at least talk about it. You may find you like where it leads. At the least you will be keeping the lines of communication between the two of you open. And he will feel loved because you listened.

Carrien is moving to Thailand soon thanks to her husband. You can read more about their adventures at She Laughs at the Days

Read the other posts in this series: #6, #7, #8, #9, #10.

Amazing things can happen when we give our husbands room to explore their ideas! Do any of our Extraordinary Wives have stories like Carrien’s? Let’s share them at The League!

Not a member of The League of Extraordinary Wives?  E-mail us at wedblissfully@gmail.com for an invitation.

To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you’re wrong admit it;
Whenever you’re right shut up.

~Ogden Nash

I recently came across this article about the best and worst advice given to couples about marriage. A couple of my favorites are:

“My aunt told me that if I’m running late when it’s my turn to make dinner, just set the table. That way my husband thinks he’ll be eating any minute, so he doesn’t start complaining, which buys me some time. It’s a silly trick that sounds straight out of the 1950s, but I have to admit that I’ve tried it a few times in the three years I’ve been married — and it works!”

“After my husband and I got together, a close friend of mine told me, ‘If the sex is good, it’s only 10 percent of the marriage. But if the sex is not so good, it’s 90 percent. So do your darndest to make sure it stays really, really good!‘”

As I read the article, I remembered that there was a discussion at The League of Extraordinary Wives about the best and worst marriage advice. I headed over there to see what kind of advice our Extraordinary Wives had been given. There was a plethora of advice, mostly good. Though when the advice was bad it was really bad! Can you believe people actually said these things?

• The worst advice came from a “friend”. She told me that I should always remain independent of my husband. She told me that she did not need her husband.
• The worst: “Manipulate your man so he always thinks your ideas are his“ Ugh, are you kidding me?
• The worst advice… probably the woman who told me that she kept her marriage lively by being unfaithful on occasion.

The good advice was all sage and useful but the cream of the crop came from an unexpected source:

I used to work in a retirement home and would have tea with some of the residents to keep them company. One lady, “G” (God bless her cotton socks) told me the key to a happy marriage was to always keep the lines of communication open, never keep score, and to always have physical relations…even if you’re as old as dust.

There’s more to that tidbit of advice but you’ll have to go The League of Extraordinary Wives to see it!

What? You’re not a member of The League of Extraordinary Wives? Be sure to e-mail us at wedblissfully@gmail.com to get your invitation!

{Originally posted September 11, 2008 by Malia}

photo source: MSN free clipart

The grass is always greener on the other side, I have heard it said. Anyone who has been married past the honeymoon stage knows that so many of us in marriage fall for lies that are as old as the Garden of Eden.

We live in a society of “what have you done for me lately.” Wives wonder why their husband is not as romantic as other husbands or husbands wonder why their wife does not respect them like other wives respect their husbands.  This line of thinking leads to believing false promises made by Satan.

One study from the University of Washington conducted this year said:

About 20% of men and 15% of women under 35 say they have been unfaithful. That is up from about 15% and 12% respectively.

We can speculate why all day, but I suggest the reason why is as old as the Garden of Eden. Satan plays his same tricks to attack and demolish the commitment of marriage.

Satan tells us we can have it all: knowledge, fulfillment, power and feelings of worthiness by being unfaithful. And don’t worry about those pesky little consequences, God was only joking.

We all go through periods in our marriage where things feel stale and we become out of sync, it is during these times Satan is constantly telling us the “grass is greener.” This is a lie; rekindle your relationship by revisiting what made you fall in love in the first place. Share memories of your dating relationship, remember past memories, and spend time together. Do not allow Satan in during the difficult times in your marriage.

Dr. Dobson said this about marriage, “Water the plant, place it in the sunlight, and it will grow. If you put it in a cold dark corner, however, it is likely to die.” Don’t let your marriage die, fight for it!!

Extraordinary Wives, is there a time you have had to fight for your marriage even when your feelings were failing you? Let’s talk this out at The League!

Not a member of The League of Extraordinary Wives? E-mail us at wedblissfully@gmail.com for an invitation.

Laurel is the author of the blog Laurel’s Reflections. Laurel and her husband of 15 years are currently raising two teenage sons and one elementary son.

Photo credit: by law_keven

We are all individuals. We have our own preferences, idiosyncrasies and baggage. When we marry we bring along a lifetime of experience, behavioral patterns and beliefs. These personal differences never magically go away. The good news is that our differences do not have to be erased for our marriages to be happy.

In reality most marital conflicts never completely get resolved. We all have in-law issues, different child-rearing ideas, and of course the never ending toilet paper roll debate. For the record, I like the roll on the holder with the sheet on top, ready to pull down. I do not like the roll on the floor, on the back of the toilet, or empty. And, no, it will never be resolved in my house.

Here is the reality, the toilet roll placement does not matter. I could get angry everyday and nag and complain. Remember to save complaints for the biggies, right? Even if I did explain why civilized people don’t leave rolls scattered around the bathroom he would not wake up one day and say, “I better put the T.P. roll how she likes it.”

The truth is that none of us has a monopoly on the truth every time. The important thing is that we let the little things go and compromise on the big issues. It is healthy and good to express our opinions to each other, but if you can’t change your spouse’s mind you can’t be a jerk about it.

Disagreements must be handled without blaming, personal attacks and bringing up how he forgot your anniversary two years ago. The key is to try to put yourself in his shoes and understand his viewpoint. You don’t have to agree, just agree to disagree. You’ll win some and lose some.

Conflict is normal and not in it’s self a problem in your marriage. Even the happiest couples have it! What is important is how you manage it. Marriage is a long term give and take. Sometimes the roll makes it on the holder and the paper is facing the correct way, and sometimes not!

Extraordinary Wives continue here.

Not a member of The League of Extraordinary Wives?  E-mail us at wedblissfully@gmail.com to ask for an invitation.

{Originally published by Mrs. Fussypants on April 14, 2008}

Day 2: Love is kind- “Love makes you kind.  And kindness makes you likeable.” (p.6)

This was one of my favorite lines so far.  We need to be likeable to our spouses.  I know that my Hubby loves me, but I want him to like me as well.  And being kind is the key to being likeable.   Kindness encompasses gentleness, helpfulness, willingness, and initiative.  We need to display all four of these attributes toward our spouses.

The authors stress here that love is not just based on feelings.  “Love determines to show thoughtful actions even when there seems to be no reward.  You will never learn to love until you learn to demonstrate kindness.” (p.8)

As children we are taught to be kind to others. Learning this ability at a young age helps us to learn that we cannot be selfish in our actions toward others.  The selfish child soon learns that no one wants to play with him because he will not share his toys.

Likewise, if we are selfish in our marriages, we will soon discover that we cannot give and receive love.

Day 2 Dare: In addition to saying nothing negative to your spouse again today, do at least one unexpected gesture as an act of kindness.

I like how the second dare builds on the first.  It adds another dimension to our actions toward our spouse.  In addition to not yelling at my husband for not picking up his socks, I was able to take it a step further.  For this dare, I laid out Hubby’s work clothes for him while he was in the shower.  I firmly believe that he is an adult and is capable of doing this himself.  But today, I took the initiative to help him get ready for work.

Because life is not meant to be a do-it-yourself project, you can read more about parenting and faith at Heather’s personal blog Not a DIY Life.

Ladies, how are you taking the initiative in your marriage to show kindness, gentleness, and helpfulness?  Join us in The Love Dare Challenge group at The League and let us know how this dare worked for you!

Not a member of The League of Extraordinary Wives?  E-mail us at wedblissfully@gmail.com to ask for an invitation!

This series is based on the book The Love Dare from the movie, Fireproof.