By Malia Carden | Leave A Comment
I read, with great interest, an article on Salon titled, “Engaged and underaged” by Rebecca Traister. She took on the research done by Mark Regnerus, sociology professor at the University of Texas at Austin, who is speaking out against a growing trend of men and women waiting until they are older to get married.
Traister challenges Regnerus and calls him out on many points:
Regnerus has done research among young adults and found that “many women report feeling peer pressure to avoid giving serious thought to marriage until they’re at least in their late 20s. If you’re seeking a mate in college, you’re considered a pariah, someone after her ‘MRS degree.’ Actively considering marriage when you’re 20 or 21 seems so sappy, so unsexy, so anachronistic … How did we get here?”
OK, part of how we got here? Trafficking in lame stereotypes, like those about young men lamenting marriage as a loss of youth and about women of every age being ring-coveting, proposal-demanding, husband-hunting, baby-smelling penis harvesters! You think college-age women face social disapprobation if they’re looking for commitment? Regnerus might be surprised to know that they’re not exactly welcomed warmly on the dating scene when they’re in their 20s, 30s, or 40s either!
Ironically, just recently my husband and I had a discussion, not exactly about this but about waiting vs. not waiting to get married. He confessed to me that he had, more than once, encouraged young men to not be so eager to tie the knot in their early twenties. (He was 22, I was 21 when we married.) He wondered if that would offend me, which it did not, because I get where he is coming from. Marriage can inhibit your lifestyle. It’s not that he wanted to be free to carouse or bar-hop but that maybe, just maybe, some opportunities vanished after we took “the plunge”.
I countered back that I wished we could have been “allowed” to get married when we were ready to, instead of being made to wait until college was finished (for him). I believe we wasted a lot of time and energy trying to be together when we weren’t married that would have been alleviated had we been able to marry and set up a home together.
In the end, it shouldn’t really be about how old you are (except that I do think you should be at least a legal adult!) but if the time is right for you and your partner. Many people don’t even have the choice to marry earlier because they have not found the right person for them. And I’ve known couples who have postponed marriage for years because they knew that waiting would ultimately be better.
Getting married is a deeply personal decision that should be made not because of reproductive prime or peer pressure or because you’re the “right” age. It should be for love, to join with the one person with whom you want to spend all your ages.
photo credit: andreyutzu, andreyutzu
ABOUT Malia Carden
New media enthusiast, inconsistent blogger, One2One Network Community Manager & Blog Editor, imp{read more}
Loading ...
I got married at age 20. My husband was 23. I think it was the perfect time for us to get hitched! I’ve heard that you personally grow and change so much in your early adulthood, but how better to grow and change than with your spouse! I’ve met many people who’ve gotten married at a later age and have been so stuck in their ways that they can’t compromise and have spilt up. How sad!
When I got married I was 19, and my husband was 21. In retrospect, we both still had a lot of growing and maturing to accomplish. It helped that we were best friends for 4 years before our marriage, and we made the decision that although we got married young, it did not mean we had to have our children young. We took the time to enjoy each other, grow and mature together, and now have two sons, ages 7 and 1. We’ll be celebrating our 15th wedding anniversary on Friday. To anyone wondering whether or not to marry young, I wouldn’t offer up either a yes or no answer. I would only say, think very hard about the decision first and be sure it is the right decision for you. Because whether not you marry young or wait until later years, you will still have to work at keeping it healthy and helping each other thrive in life together.
My husband and I got married at 19 and 21. Initially the intent was for me to continue school, have a career, etc; he was supposed to be infertile. However, after we’d been married for only four months, I got pregnant. So now I’m a SAHM for a few years, and then going right back to continuing my education (I will be 25 when she hits kindergarten, not exactly old for going back to college!)
We’re going on three years now, and we have had ups and downs already, but I don’t regret marrying at the age I did. Sometimes I wish I could be as carefree as some of my peers, but I also know that a lot of people envy me a bit, even the ones that pretend to scorn my choices. I have always chosen to aim for joy, even if that means changing my perspective on what gives me joy from time to time.
I think marriage has nothing to do with age, but to do with compatibility and, ultimatly, the ability to be flexible! (not physically, lol, that is a whole ‘nother story altogether.)
I was married at 17 almost 18. My husband was 22. No I wasn’t pregnant, we still don’t have kids. We have been married now for coming up on 4 years. Still going strong.
I was 21, he 23 when we got married (only engaged for 3 months but not for baby reasons or anything). We both had a semester left of college (he also had a summer class to take). We still went out with friends to bars and parties all the time. We still have girls’ nights and boys’ nights. Being married “at an early age” helped us so much with trying to spend time together and stuff. But we had dated since 16 so we had been together for a long time. However, my best friend was engaged at 17, married at 19, divorced at 21. Now at 22 almost 23, she is partying like crazy, going on a ton of dates, etc. She never had a chance to be a teenager or have the college party scene. So an early marriage did not work for her.
I totally agree with this sentiment. I myself was 27 when I got married, but I do believe that it’s up to the individual to decide when it’s right for them. Just think…my grandparents were 18 when they got married my parents 22. Personally, I feel that people waiting so long to get married is sometimes the reason for so much divorce. People who marry young get to grow up together. They start their adult lives together. People who are older already have their friends, have their money and have their life…it’s very hard at that point to merge together. I was with my husband 7 years before we got married…not necessarily my choice, but we grew up together. It was great. So this is a long winded response of…what works for some may not work for others and people shouldn’t judge.
Jen
I went to college, traveled the world, worked and moved. Finally at age 29, I decided I was interested in meeting my life-mate. Before that, I believed that I could always get married later – but travel and explore… well after marriage, it rarely happens. Not to say that it can’t but most married people (like us now) are settled and can’t very well afford to up and go to Thailand for a year.
And I am glad I did because when I met my husband, I was ready to commit myself 110% to our relationship without wondering what it would be like to be single again. We got married when I was 32 after dating/engaged for two years. I just found out I am pregnant at age 35 and I feel healthy and completely satisfied with my choices. I will always have my wonderful single memories and now I am creating wonderful married memories.
Im planning on getting married when im 19. I was worried though about the parents. His mom had her first marriage at 15 and my mom at 20. Both marriages did not last long. I was wondering how your parents reacted? Im afraid of the reaction. If you have any thoughts, i would be grateful if you could share. Thank you.