Last Sunday, our pastor walked us through some salient points about marital bliss. He’s in the middle of a series about Joseph (yes, the one with the fancy coat), and took time out to talk about marriage. No, Joseph wasn’t having marital difficulties. Joseph wasn’t even married. But Potiphar’s wife was. And her eyes were not fixed on Potiphar, but firmly on Joseph. As you can imagine, this is doesn’t go well for Joseph.

As he talked about marriage, one of our pastor’s many comments was that we need to have realistic expectations of our spouses. Interestingly, this is one of the same points Carrien made in her recent Wedded Bliss post, What We Can Learn From Arranged Marriages. So happiness in marriage has been on my mind.

Now, the idea that we need to have realistic expectations isn’t exactly news to me. I’ve been married for almost 17 years: I know a bit about expectations and meeting, or completely failing to meet, them. Also, I’ve written about expectations before because I’ve long believed that our experience with any given situation is directly related to the expectations we set beforehand. Why should marriage be any different?

Our pastor also told this story: Counselor and writer Emerson Eggerich^* and his wife, Sarah, speak regularly at marriage conferences. Often, Sarah hears woman after woman complain about her husband. When this happens, Sarah has two questions for them: 1) Do you watch romantic comedies? and 2) Do you read Christian Romance Novels?

You know where this is going, right? Are these your favorite kinds of movies? Have you picked up these books? Are you a big fan? No problem, as long as you keep things in perspective. But if you allow this fiction to color your view of what a “real” spouse looks like, you’re in for a long road of discontentment. Because real life isn’t all sunshine and flower beds.  Real husbands aren’t part Tom Hanks, part Tom Cruise. It doesn’t work that way. That’s fantasy, ladies. It’s fairy tales for grown-ups. Fiction.

Real life includes groceries and laundry and heartache and conflict. Real life includes soccer games and ballet class and take-out dinner and too much homework. Real life includes good years, and great years. It includes bad years and horrible years. Real life can be hard. Can it also be full of sunshine and flower beds? You bet. But every day? Forget it. If you understand this, if you expect it, you’re better prepared for whatever life throws your way. When rough waters hit, you’re able to sail through, guiding your marriage as best you can, bobbing, and weaving, and hanging on for dear life. And the beauty is that when the water is smooth again, you’ll be expecting that, too.

*Eggerich’s book, Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs, is one of the best I’ve ever read on marriage. I highly recommend it.

photo credits: smcgee and Storeyland