“I’m not going to your mother’s house this year and that’s that!”

Let me suggests, friends, that this phrase won’t reduce the holiday stress around your house one bit.  Instead, think through your options:

• Decide ahead of time.  If you know holiday visits and scheduling causes conflict, plan ahead.  Decide in the summer or fall where you’ll spend the holidays this year and make peace with your plan.
• Host the festivities.  If traveling adds to your unhappiness, trade.  Offer to host at your house this year.
• Just say no.  This is a tough call, although many families I know have done it successfully (not using the above phrase, obviously).  The trick is that both of you need to agree that creating your own tradition is what’s best for your family.  If one spouse feels strongly about including extended family, you need to revisit the other options.  If you do decide to opt out for the big day, consider making other plans that include the out-laws and the rest.

How and where to spend family time isn’t the only issue that causes marital conflict at this time of year.

“You seem to think we’re just made of money.  Do you know what our bank balance is today?!”

Money—it’s the universal conflict creator.  To avoid another round of he spent-she spent, try making a gift list, together, now.  Making a list helps in two ways:

• You’re on the same page regarding who gets what.
• You can look for sales (since you know what you’re looking for) and avoid last-minute splurges of desperation.

As for the gifts you give each other, get creative this year.  There are plenty of thoughtful gifts that don’t cost much but can mean the world.  For example:

• Buy a collage frame on sale and fill it with family photos.
• Plan a day trip and create a “brochure” to give.  He can cash it in for a family day of hiking and picnicking or whatever it is your family enjoys doing together.
• Make coupon book, like kids do, with grown-up cards geared towards your relationship.  At my house, for example, I could make one that says, “Present this card for one morning of non-grumpiness,” because I am absolutely no fun before 7AM.
• Look in the back of your lingerie drawer and find that cute negligee you haven’t worn since your last child was born.  Spruce it up and put it on.  Now that says Merry Christmas!

photo credit: Tambako the Jaguar