By Kirsetin | Leave A Comment
Sometimes, life throws you a curve ball. When it happens to you as a single person, you deal with it in your own way. We all have different coping mechanisms, right? Some of us tuck into our shell and quietly contemplate for hours, days, or weeks. Some of us call everyone we know, and hash out all of the gory details, over and over again, until we can finally make sense of them. But what happens when you add a spouse to the mix and your coping mechanisms are entirely different?
I don’t pretend to have the answer to this one, ladies. I know what we do; I know what works for us. But every couple has its own dynamics: extended family, ages of children, and hard-wired personalities all come into play.
In our marriage, I am the talker, the hasher-outer, the one who begins to understand what she thinks as she replays the events again and again, out loud. My husband is the quiet man of very few words. There are times-not infrequently-when I will ask him a question and he will think about it-THINK ABOUT IT!-for, oh, six minutes or more. Have you ever endured six minutes of thoughtful quiet from someone whom you just want to speak? Oh, friends, let me tell you, it is painful.
Early in our marriage, I tried to coax the words from him. I cajoled, I reasoned, I jumped in with what I thought he wanted to say. Over time, I have learned to bite my tongue. This oh, so difficult for me to do, and I have devised all sorts of silly little tricks to try to hold my peace, while I wait to hear his. I count to 500, and then back again. I listen to a running monologue, inside my head, hoping he’ll break in at any moment. I plan my week. I plan my errands. I make a mental grocery list.
Yes, yes, I know, these things can distract me from the issue at hand. But that’s okay, I think. I already know what I have to say. If I can keep myself silent long enough for him to decide what he has to say, isn’t it just efficient if I plan our meals at the same time?
What about you? Do you have other ways of dealing with conflict and curve balls and all of the things life throws at you that you never expected? Do tell! We could all use a new trick or two.
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Photo Credits: freakyman and *clairity*
ABOUT Kirsetin
Kirsetin is an author and speaker who spends more time on the computer than in the kitchen. She blo{read more}
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My husband and I are entirely opposites for working things through as well. What we have found helpful is for me to email him before he leaves work to give him a chance to think on it while he’s driving home…and then we go for a walk, or escape to my office, or drive around the block and hash whatever it is out…..his whole deal is to be cautious with his response…while my nature is to talk it through outloud then hear the answer!
Interesting idea…e-mail. I like it. It actually gives both of you time to think about it. I may borrow this one. Thanks.
Your blog is really nice and works as an advisor, I look forward to your new links and articles. The reasons behind why a marriage collapse are because of broken trust, boredom, infidelity, poor communication, lack of appreciation, addictive behavior, emotional abuse, absence of sex and no affection. The points that should be remembered to help you in saving your marriage are there should be love between both the partners, there is nothing like perfect marriage, effective communication, compromise to each other, and the most effective tip to save a marriage is to be committed to each other.
I give my husband his place in the family. When there is a conflict I usually stay quite or answer him in a low tone voice. I try to observe what he is saying and his point of view in the situation. You could say I am the peace maker. after things calm down I pray about it and ask the Lord to guide me in what I need to say to him and that my husbands revives it in the right way. The main thing is to listen and not react. Many people do not know how to express them self’s correctly or do feel they are not allowed to so they lash out trying to get a point through. I have learned that no matter how right I am or how wrong he is that things get solved better when I just here him out.
As for me, when I am feeling upset I usually talk to him about it after we have gone to bed or when he is rested. I do not throw things at his face at this time rather I let him know of how the situation makes me feel. He is more likely respond to my feelings this way and accepts my advice.
p.s do not get discourage if you try this and he does not respond to you right away. It took a lot of practice for my flesh to come under submission and I mean a lot. But I figured out that nothing else was working and that our children were only observing an unhealthy setting so I had to learn of how to be a better example. Remember a gentle word turns away wrath.
i try to email my husband to let out my emotions because i think that it allows me to keep them from getting messy and allows me to edit when i realize i’ve said (typed) something i didn’t mean. my husband hates it when i write to him instead of talking to him but when we talk face to face in the middle of a conflict it gets messy and i do not know how to handle waiting for a response – my husband can take 6 days to come up with a response – consider yourself lucky it only takes yours 6 minutes. having something else to do with my mind while waiting for a response is a great idea. i get tunnel vision when in conflict. it’ll probably be good for both of us to distract ourselves.