By Kirsetin | Leave A Comment
Recently, I read this post which started out about the blogger keeping her own name when she got married and trading traditional stay-at-home/working spouse roles but ended up with her, basically, describing why she’s fine with swinging. Am I right?
Let me say right up front that this is is not something I have any experience with or exposure to. If you know me, and you are hooking up with someone other than your spouse, I am completely unaware of it. Also, I’d prefer if we keep it that way.
For the record, I am not a swinger. Although my husband travels quite a bit and I tease him that if he doesn’t stay home more often I’m going to get a boyfriend, he’s not the least bit worried. He laughs and says I wouldn’t have time for a boyfriend, even if I were so inclined. His analysis, as usual, is spot on.
Does Marriage Get Boring?
Reading the post really got me thinking about why people reach out beyond their marriage for physical, not emotional, reasons. I understand the idea behind what this blogger says: life is long. Monogamy can be monotonous. But right there’s the catch: It can be. It doesn’t have to be. And as one-half of the married couple, it’s incumbent upon each of us (as in, each spouse) to make sure it’s not. If we prefer to remain monogamous, we need to mix things up, keep the fires burning, and all that jazz.
I’m 18 years into this married gig, and for you more newly married couples, here’s the deal: some years, months, weeks, and days are better than others. So what? If you leave your spouse and get a new one—or even just a Significant Friend With Benefits—eventually you will end up in the same spot. The newness and novely will fade and you will be left with some years, months, weeks, and days being better than others.
Keeping Things Interesting in Your Marriage
Why not just upgrade the days with the spouse you have? Think about it: How can you rekindle your romance? What can you do, specifically, to have more fun in your marriage right now? I’m willing to bet that if you address your issues and put some effort behind them, instead of trying someone new on for size, your same old someone won’t seem so same or old anymore.
(Let me be clear that my post is not intended as a dispute or philosophical discussion of the pros and cons of monogamy vs. swinging: those thoughts are far to lengthy to post here. Instead, my post is intended for couples who want to remain monogamous but find themselves in a bit of a rut.)
ABOUT Kirsetin
Kirsetin is an author and speaker who spends more time on the computer than in the kitchen. She blo{read more}
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We try. But marriage has a way of derailing boyfriend/girlfriend status. One of the things that’s so great about dating is the open possibilities of the future. When you’re married, real life intrudes on possibilities, especially as you get older. My dream is to move, after 25 years back to my family so my kids could get to know them. My husband is living his dream in his job. He could get a transfer, but loves his current boss. Our dreams are incompatible and somedays it’s hard not to see your spouse as the one who’s holding you back from your dreams. If that’s not a boyfriend/girlfriend quasher, I don’t know what is.
Being married is a million times better than having a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship! I think that making a marriage successful (other than basing it on Jesus Christ) is about being unselfish–putting the others’ needs ahead of your own. Also, some maturity would help. Are we looking for fluttery, superficial feelings or real, last love that ever deepens? I can go on record to say my marriage is FAR from boring after 11 years. It keeps getting better and better even after 4 kids. I would say more, but I’m already blushing just thinking about it!
Marriage can be a lot of work and I completely agree that some days, weeks or even years are better than others. Like anything worth having, it requires sacrifice, work and perserverance.
I think too many people give up. They think the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. Once they get there, they realize it isn’t. There have been intense moments where I’ve wondered if I made the right decision. At the end of the day, you’ll have the same scenario with someone else, it will just be over different issues. Leaving your spouse to start all over again with someone else is a quick way to take 100 steps backwards (unless you are being harmed, abused, etc), not to mention it’s just plain selfish.
I think many people want that ‘new’ feeling and unfortunately media perpetuates this. The reality is, things fade but it doesn’t have to end. Instead it should go from a lusty love to an unconditional love.
I’m glad I have always stuck it out, even during the rough patches. We both agree that those times have helped build our character and have made us more loving, selfless people.
Great post!
~Karla
Love this Kirsetin. I think the idea of “swinging” is utterly and completely contradictory to what marriage is intended to be. I have never doubted my decision to get married, stay married, or continue to grow and mature with “you know who”…even if I get broadsided by the same circumstances all over again
He’s so worth it!
These are some great thoughts, everyone. Thanks so much for sharing. I think the bottom line is that marriage can be really hard, but the rewards are so worth the hard work. Hang in there!