photo credit: The Geary's

Although most newlyweds I know aren’t in the habit of asking for advice (hey, neither am I, and I’m no newlywed!), I’m going to offer some anyway.  You can turn away if you like, but I promise you this:  married life will be easier if you both listen up.

In the first few years of marriage, we spend a lot of time thinking about how wonderful our spouse is.  We go out, we have fun, we have very little to argue about.  But sometimes, in the cleaving and joining, we forget to pay attention to the details of our own selves.  We go to the movies because our spouse loves them, for example, (good) and we forgo long walks on the beach because he doesn’t (bad).

Don’t misunderstand.  Compromise is good.  I enjoy going to the movies with my husband because he enjoys it so much.  It’s not compromise that’s the problem.  It’s forgetting who we are, why we are, and what we are passionate about–as individuals–that leads to trouble.

The newness of love wears off and can be replaced by many things.  One of my favorites, one that I’ve witnessed in the marriage of several older friends, is a devoted love, based on a life of shared love and shared pain.  One of the worst I’ve witnessed is disdain, followed by its close cousin, contempt.  But quite often, what I see happen is simply that two people who love each other dearly begin to walk down separate roads and they forget that life happens, and love grows, at the intersection.  Compromise, yes.  But follow your own interests, too.  And then share them.

photo credit: Daniel Bauer

I’m a firm believer that in every marriage the couple should have some joint interests and each spouse should have their own interests–and that we should make every effort to learn about our spouse’s interest without necessarily joining them.  For example, my girlfriend’s city-slicker husband recently took up farming.  Uh huh, he did.  And my friend is not ever going to want to move to a farm that doesn’t have a great shoe store nearby.  But they bought some land, and she encourages him to go and work there–she understands that this is important to him.  And he understands she’s not grabbing a shovel any time soon.  Compromise.

Similarly, my husband understands that every Monday night I love to play basketball.  It’s not something we do together, or something we have any interest in doing together.  But every Monday when I get home, he listens to me describe the plays and the fouls and any high drama that took place that evening.  In doing so, he meets me at the intersection–the place where my life crosses with his.  He shows me that he cares about what I care about, and I think that’s the key:  Walk your own walk and follow your heart.  But be sure to cross paths with your spouse regularly. Take time to really understand where they are and what they’re pursuing in life. In fifteen, twenty, thirty years from now, you’ll be glad you did.