Have you ever received an apology that just wasn’t sincere? One that seemed forced and lacking contrition? Maybe you’ve been the one to utter non-apologetic apologies. Apologizing can be agonizing, especially between spouses. When your feelings are hurt and you still feel you really were right, backing down and making sure the other person is taken care of takes courage and a bit a savvy.

I really like these tips from the article The Art of Apologizing:

1. Say it with your body. Arms uncrossed, looking someone in the eyes, leaning toward them. You are not there to protect yourself or get something in return. This is not about you. You are there to give—to give comfort, assurance, and some salve for the wound you may have inflicted. An apology is an offering.

2. Take full responsibility. Explain yourself very briefly, without being defensive or without taking up too much space: “I was under a lot of pressure and it screwed up my better judgment. Still, it’s no excuse.”

3. Express your remorse. It’s simple, “I feel awful.” “I didn’t sleep last night.”

4. Empathize. “I can only assume that you were hurt or confused. It must suck.”

5. Invite their response. This is where many apologies can go south, when the hurt person says, “Yah, you totally screwed up, you’re a goof, and your mother dresses you funny.” Naturally, you may want to sling it back or retract even your best laid mea culpa. But just take a deep breath. You may have to endure a few pot shots and some venting—that is part of reconciliation.

6. Commit to preventing it in the future. “From now on, I’ll include you in my decision making; I don’t want to have this happen again.”

7. Expect nothing in return. Apologizing and asking for forgiveness are two separate things. Apologizing is like leaving a gift on the doorstep and hoping it’s appreciated. Expecting to be forgiven is like asking someone to say thank you for the gift.

Divine Caroline – Intent
Photo Credit – kd5ytx