By katef | Leave A Comment
I have identical twin girls.
They are the same age. They look the same. They like the same things.
They are different in so many ways and I strive to encourage those differences and to help the world see and celebrate those differences too. I want them to celebrate their differences, but I also struggle with ‘being equal.’
I don’t mean equal in how much I love them…that is a given. I also don’t want them to have everything the same as each other, but when push comes to shove and one girls gets something I feel the mother guilt rise and an overwhelming need to ‘be equal’ and to give the other something of similar or matching value or importance.
It’s not just material things – clothes and toys – it’s also the more important things of time and attention. If I take one out on her own to do something I feel the need to match that for the other. If one is unwell or upset and is given a special something to make them feel better I feel the need to match that for the other…despite the fact that they are not unwell or in need.
I don’t feel the same pull to be equal when it comes to my singleton, my son. He’s a boy, he’s younger, he likes different things. It seems normal, natural, right for him not to get the same things as his sisters.
Rationally I know that the important thing is that everyone’s needs are met – that they get what they need, be it extra attention, a toy, clothes, something special when they need it. Rationally I know that there is no such thing as equal…that the things children need can’t be balanced and measured. Rationally I know that the closest I can get to equal is doing my best to give everyone what they need when they need it.
I know those things rationally, but still it is there…the worry, the fear, the urge to try and make things equal for my girls.
Am I alone in my nuttiness or do other Mum’s of twins (or more) feel this way too?
(photo by Hans s)
ABOUT katef
Kate is chief cook and clothes washer at the Pickle Farm in 'almost rural' Victoria, Australia, as w{read more}
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My husband is a fraternal twin, and I see his parents still trying to treat them equally in a lot of ways.
When they were babies, my husband’s twin was ill and needed to have rice cereal at a younger age. My husband didn’t need it, but they felt bad so they gave him cereal too. As a result, my husband was one obese baby, lol!
They still try to spend the exact same amount of money for gifts for the two, and have the same amount of packages to open at Christmas.
I think it’s kinda silly, honestly. But then again, I’m not a mom to twins (I just have 1 baby) so I haven’t had to deal with treating my children equally or not.
yes me too …
in all the ways you mention.
Plus more I always count the same number of things out even though they can’t really count (well past 1 2 3 ..5) .
The time thing and attention thing isn’t too much of an issue yet as they both have half of me all the time …one tells me several times a day [that's my side as in (.) (.) ]
Equal # of pushes on the swing , equal time at a ‘single’ toy …
Great post Kate.
I struggle with this a LOT. How can I possibly be equal with all 3 girls? And if I spend too much time with the triplets what about my older two? Will they feel less loved? I think if you think about it too much you’ll go crazy! I have decided recently that when it comes to attention I will give each of them as much as I can when the moment demands it and hope it equals out in the end
And if I do some things individually – like get them each up from nap and give them extra hugs then they will know they are all loved – and they all are.
As for gifts – yea, that’s all equal though the triplets being 2 don’t really get their own gifts yet