Between Hope and Fear is an online journal written by Mandi Ehman. You can find the Between Hope and Fear archives here or access all of Blissfully Domestic’s online journals here.

I am now six weeks pregnant. This is by far the hardest part of pregnancy for me. I’ve had miscarriages at six, seven and eight weeks pregnant.

The truth is I worry that I’ll get past my danger zone – the time when my mind cannot rest, when I hold my breath every time I go to the bathroom, when I wonder how I will make it if I start bleeding again – and start to breathe just a little bit easier only to have a later miscarriage this time.

In my mind I know that it’s never safe – that love always carries the risk of loss. But I guess I just want it to be safer, at least, to know that there’s a reasonably good chance that I’ll be able to enjoy the kicks and rolls of a healthy baby, to hold his or her warm body just after birth, and to cuddle on the couch and read to my big girls while I nurse another newborn.

There’s no doubt that I already love this baby. I love this baby not just as a dream for the future, but for the tiny little person that he or she already is, an amazing creation of the Master’s hand, a creation I’m privileged to be a part of.

And when I’m hit with a wave of nausea, my heart rejoices – so strongly, in fact, that it sometimes feels like it will literally leap from my chest – and then my mind begins to rationalize it away, doing my best to remember that there are no guarantees, that I’m still in the danger zone, and that getting my hopes up now may just lead to more pain later.

Photo by Catheroo
 
Mandi is a WAHM to three little girls (4, almost-3 and 1). She can be found sharing her organizational and time management tips at Organizing Your Way and making the most of every moment with her girls at Doodles’ Place.