Friends compliment me a lot on having a friendly working relationship with my ex-husband and his wife. Frankly, few things honor me more than having someone say that — because despite appearances, we’ve all worked really hard to create this “seamless” relationship.

I know there are a lot of families dealing with major issues, like abuse, addiction and other parental problems that would have a negative impact on the kids. And really, all I can offer you is my good thoughts — I have been lucky not to face those issues. But I can tell you that even in a plain old divorce, where the parties just don’t want to move forward together, there are a lot of issues that can poison your parenting relationship if you’re not careful.

Here are a few thoughts to keep your relationship civil, based on the challenges we’ve all worked through in our family:

• It’s not about you. Print it in 100-point type and post it on your mirror if you have to. When you make the argument about you, and what you deserve, your kids lose. This is hard but critical.
• Don’t keep having the same fights. You got divorced for a reason, right? You don’t have to keep fighting the same fight with your ex. Don’t fall into that trap, and don’t let yourself be pulled in.
• Strive for unemotional communication. Think long and hard: In which medium are you MOST likely to remain positive and avoid low blows? For my ex and me right after our divorce, it was email. When in-person chats and phone calls were too hard, we could still share news and even negotiate schedule changes via email. Figure out what works best for your family.
• Assume the best intentions on everyone else’s part until you have cold, hard proof. When you start to get mad about something your ex did or said, stop yourself and work through the scenario. What are all the possible reasons he might have said that? What are the best reasons? The worst? What’s his goal? Forcing yourself into rational analysis will help avoid conflict.

What strategies do you use to keep things civil?