By Jersey_Girl | Leave A Comment
There has been a lot of talk on a message board I frequent about gifts and step-kids. Should a stepmother be expected to buy her step-child a gift for their birthday, a holiday or graduation? Let’s say the step-child is old enough to buy their own gifts for the step-mom and does not. When should a step-mom stop buying gifts for their step-child?
Personally, I think it depends on how old the child is. If the child is young, then I think a gift should be given to the child. If the child is a teenager and old enough to understand about giving and receiving gifts and doesn’t give a gift, then I think that the step-mom should not feel obligated to buy a gift for their step-child.
Also, I think it depends on what type of relationship the step-mom has with the child. Do they get along well? Do they see each other often or talk on the phone? Is there a relationship at all? Of course, if there is no relationship for whatever reason, then of course, no gifts should be exchanged, as that would be pretentious. If there is a civil relationship, certainly a token gift can be given. If the relationship is close, then a much more generous gift should probably be given.
Of course, there is also the issue about how Dad feels as well. What kind of relationship does he have with his kid[s]? What types of gifts does he prefer to buy his kids?
There is really no hard and fast rules about gifts. I think the main thing is that gifts should be given because the giver WANTS to give a gift, and not because the giver feels they HAVE TO give a gift.
Photo credit: Rick Audet on Flickr
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As a step-daughter, I have kind of the opposite dilemma. I was in college when my father remarried, and my step-mom has always been extremely generous with gifts, even for no occasion at all. My query has always been about thank-yous. I’m always very careful to write thank-yous for aunts and uncles, family friends, etc and I wrote them for my step-mom before she was my step-mom b/c the gifts she gave me were clearly from here. I didn’t/don’t, however, write thank-yous to my parents. I thank them, of course, but not as formally.
So when they married, the gifts came from both of them, but sometimes, I was extremely obvious that they were really selected and purchased by her. And same for some gifts from my dad. So, do I still write a thank-you? Sometimes, she would send me something at school, or something completely separate, and I would write a note, but other times, when I’d open gifts at the house, I wasn’t sure. I’m still not. I suppose you can never go wrong writing a thank-you to someone, but sometimes, it feels awkward, and too formal. We’ve become fairly close, but I don’t want her to think I am not appreciative since I don’t always write a note.
I will say, that sometimes, especially in the beginning, it was hard for me when she would clearly do the bulk of the shopping, gift-giving, etc and would sign my father’s name on cards, etc. He would have done that himself before they were married, and it really bothered me. I finally talked to him, and it was really good. I told him I was happy to have cards from her or even both of them, but I wanted to know that he was thinking of me, still. He’s always signed his own name since, and even done some of the card buying/writing completely on his own too.
As a stepmother, do you have thoughts on this side of things? Sorry to be so long-winded.
My father remarried when I was 14. It probably would have helped my relationship with my step-mother if she would have actively given me gifts. I lived with my mother in a different state. My step-mother didn’t make any effort to make me feel like part of her new family, and they divorced (after 10 years) and my father apologized for putting us through that. He saw that his ex-wife was trying to keep him away from his children.
I also feel that thank you notes – even emails these days are never too much. It’s the proper thing to do and I will teach my small children to send thank you notes to grandparents or other relatives. We usually have the kids color something for them and then I write thank you for the gift – or get the kids to color their version of the gift. Another thing we do is take a picture with my kids using the gift or wearing it…and send that with an email thank you. It’s always appreciated.
Caitlin,
I think it is great that you have written notes to your Dad and step-mom. Personally, I have written thank you notes to my parents for gifts that they have given me. In one way it is a little formal. I also think that it shows a lot of thought and appreciation for the gift and the giver to write a note.
If you don’t write a note, I don’t think that it shows that you aren’t appreciative. I think if the give is thanked properly when the gifts is given, that is what really matters. Of course, writing a thank you note never hurts either.
I see that your step-mom does a lot of the shopping for the gifts. Maybe your Dad could get you a separate gift for your birthday? Could you tell him how much it would mean to you if he got you a gift just from him?
Sidney –
I’m sorry to hear that you had a tough time with your former step-mom. Perhaps she didn’t feel like she was part of the family either. Hopefully, everyone has been able to heal since she has been out of the picture.
I agree that it is never too much to write a thank you note, no matter who the giver is.