Divorce is hard. The love has dwindled. Feelings are hurt. Trust may be gone. Respect is lost. The dreaded “H” word (hate) might even pop up. All you want to do is call your ex every dirty name in the book and make his life miserable. But you can’t. Because you have kids.

For years we heard about couples who stayed together for the kids. Parents were told divorce is hard on the children so make it work. But new research has shown that divorce isn’t as harmful as growing up in a household full of fighting. Kids can survive and even *gasp* be happy growing up in two households as long as the parents work together.

In their book, Making Divorce Easier on Your Child: 50 Effective Ways to Help Children Adjust, psychologists Dr. Rex Forehand and Dr. Nicholas Long give 50 suggestions on helping kids cope and thrive after divorce. Some of their suggestions include:

• Don’t argue in front of the kids. If you have a disagreement deal with it when the kids are out of the room. Or make a date just to argue, er umm, discuss the issues.
• Don’t use the kids as messengers. You are co-parents and it means you have to communicate…even though you don’t want to. Kids need to stay out of ALL discussions on child support, visitation, you not liking his new spouse, how each of you discipline, etc. Deal directly with your ex, not with your child.
• Don’t pump your kids for information. Don’t ever put them in the position where they feel like they are spying for you or tattling on their other parent. The child loves you both and doesn’t want to disappoint or get either of you “in trouble” with the other.
• Don’t treat your child like your best friend. You kids don’t want to hear the gory details of the divorce. They don’t want to feel like they are siding with you and betraying their other parent. Talk to your own mom, a friend, your pastor, a co-worker, but don’t talk about the issues with your child.
• Don’t put down the other parent. Again, your child loves you both. She doesn’t want to hear about what a loser her dad is. He doesn’t want to hear about his dad’s mistress. Keep those comments to yourself.
• Don’t keep your child from your ex (unless he’s abusive). It’s important for children to have relationships with both of their parents. Don’t try to interfere in that relationship. You’re child will love you both.
• Be consistent in your discipline. Try to have similar rules in both homes.

You’re divorced. Nobody expects you to be best friends. If everything was perfect you’d still be married. But you need to make the effort to at least be civil for your children’s sake. Kids can grow up to love and respect both of you. And they will, as long as you treat each other with love and respect. Don’t make it a battle zone. Put your hurt feelings aside and just do what’s best for your kids.

Christine writes about her big blended family at The Bean Blog and her crazy teenagers at Weary Parent.