By Nicki | Leave A Comment
I only have one child. She is almost 3. I frequently hear comments about how well-behaved she is, how intelligent she seems and how well she uses her manners. I beam at the compliments, modestly thanking those who said them.
Then it happens, it’s time to leave, or do something different. I prepare her for it. I let her know it’s coming. We count down. Nothing works. That smart, well-mannered child turns into this whiny, flailing child unwilling to cooperate with anything I suggest. The aforementioned complimentors quietly turn their backs as the look of, “Yeah, OK, I was wrong” comes across their faces. I struggle to maintain control of myself and not melt into a puddle of embarrassment. I know I’m not the only one.
Here are a few tactics I’ve tried:
Ignoring the behavior. I muster all the strength of my petite frame and silently dress my wild, tantrum-throwing child in her outdoor clothes. While this may help me to avoid reacting poorly, it isn’t very constructive.
Waiting her out. Rather than forcing the issue I wait until she is completely finished with her tantrum, which could take quite a long time. What I don’t like about this one is that it puts her in control of my schedule, causing me to be late for wherever we need to be next.
Remain firm but gentle. While keeping my voice soft and my manner gentle I speak to my daughter in an almost-whisper, so that she has to quiet if she wants to hear me. While doing this I continue the motions of moving to the changed activity. I have mild success with this tactic and it is my preferred method. If I treat her with respect while remaining in control she responds the best – but still not very well.
I would love some feedback. Do you have a child whose behavior changes like a 3-year-old’s outfits? What do you do?
Photo by jonboy mitchell
ABOUT Nicki
Nicki is a wife and mom living in the rural northeast of the United States. She writes about using d{read more}
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Been there, still doing that with a 9yo.
I think you are right on track with your tactics to deal with her behavior. Starting now, perhaps, and increasingly as she gets older, I would add this one: Short, constructive discussions at a time far removed from the incident. My daughter can sometimes [but still not always] tell me how to resolve a challenging situation better, if I ask.
When she was 3, we had lots of problems leaving places — especially day care and friends’ houses. In these cases, best solution was to wait her out. Get her to the car, let her have a tantrum, then go once she calmed down. Part of the reason kids fly apart with mom is that they CAN — and while we don’t always want the compliment, I think it’s important to remember that they feel safe enough with us to let it all out.
I think long and hard, even now, about how to introduce new ideas and plans to my 9yo. I don’t want her to think she has a choice about things like family trips, because she doesn’t, but I want to introduce things at a time and place that are comfortable to her and when she has enough time to adjust to the idea.
I have also had a lot of success with a countdown to small transitions [like turning off the TV, time to go, etc.] “We’re leaving in 10 min.” Or, “It will be time for you to turn off the TV in 5 min.” And then letting her make the change herself — I think a lot of the transition challenge is wrapped up in the child feeling out of control of the situation. Sometimes information can give more control.
Good luck, and I hope that helps!!
@Laura – This IS helpful! Thanks
I especially like the idea of talking about it later.
Have you tried using a visual timer? Time is so abstract for kids, being able to see what 5 more minutes looks like might help.
My son has ADHD, he is 5 now but has had difficulty for transitions since he was a toddler.
We always do prompts before a transition, we use a timer and at different points, I have used a sticker chart reward system where he gets a sticker for coming to the table, getting his snowsuit on, etc without a tantrum.
I also try to explain what is happening and the order of it when we are going some where so he knows. I also remind him when we are somewhere as to what is going to happen next and when we are leaving.
It is a lot of effort, but when I don’t do this stuff, it is chaos.
Nicki – I had the same issues with my son, especially at about that age. However, I will say that the older he gets, the better he seems to deal with transitions. Maybe, it’s partly because he can understand better what is going on.
Like some others have mentioned, the timer method, the sticker chart and explaining what is going to happen have all worked quite well for us also. I think the key is to just be consistent, because kids are going to continue to push you to your limit.
Unfortunately, when it comes to kids, there’s no easy button. Just keep working at it, and eventually, she will learn that when you tell her it’s time to do something, it is useless for her to have a fit about it.
Ever threatened to throw a tantrum? No, really!! When our children look as though they are going to begin to throw a tantrum, we instruct them in proper tantrum throwing techniques. For example, for a tantrum to be truly effective, you must throw yourself on the floor – no matter where you are (in line at WM for example), and kick your feet. While kicking your feet, you really need to scream a little bit and beat your hands against the ground. When you get home from the store you can even show them how its done. They think its hilarious, and we don’t usually have tantrums when we do this. That said – the timer does work great too!
I forgot to add this: while in line at the store, or wherever we are, we explain LOUDLY proper tantrum throwing techniques. The people around us are laughing and the children’s little faces turn red – “Mommmeeeee, stop! You’re embarrassing me!”. Oh, really? Too bad, so sad! They do generally end up laughing though.
I do a 5 minute countdown with my kids at school. They are told, at different points, that we are going to switch to something different counting down to the last minute and then it’s time to clean up and move on. This seems to work preety well. When we are outside and have to clean-up/line-up I usually tell them that ” you have until the count of 20 to be *****”.They seem to love this and it becomes a race to get to the gate before I finish counting.