By Cynthia | Leave A Comment
Natural Child: Any child who is not artificial.
Real Parent: Any parent who is not imaginary.
Your Own Child: Any child who is not someone else’s child.
Adopted Child: A natural child, with a real parent, who is all my own.
By Rita Laws
Invariably, when I share the story of our family’s formation through adoption, people comment, “Oh that’s so terrific. But what about his real mother?”
My jaw clenches and my shoulders tighten. I take a deep breathe (or two) before saying, “I am Alex’s real mother. You must be asking about Alex’s birthmother.”
Don’t get me wrong I adore Alex’s birthmother. We have a wonderful open adoption relationship with her and her entire family. We visit with them several times each year, talk on the phone, send pictures, letters and email.
I remind myself that the vast majority of people’s adoption education is a product of Lifetime movies and sensationalized news stories of adoptions gone bad.
HIS BIRTHMOTHER
Alex’s birthmother carried him in her womb for nine months. Grew him from two single cells into a fully complex human being. She loved him first.
She also realized that as a 23-year old single woman she was not prepared to parent a child. After much excruciating self-examination, in her eighth month she decided to make an adoption plan for her unborn child.
She’ll tell you point blank that she’s no saint. Yes, her decision was based on wanting the best for her baby, but another part was motivated by selfishness. She wanted to get back to the life she was living before she found herself saddled (OK pun intended) with an unplanned pregnancy.
The only thing I didn’t get to do was grow, give birth and love my son in the most secret intimate of ways. In every other way I am his real mother.
HIS MOMMY
I was the one who was up every few hours in the night. I changed the diapers. I’ve kissed all the boo-boos and applied Sponge Bob bandaids. I’ve been the one in the emergency room at 4 in the morning battling his first ear infection. I’m the one he calls for in the night. I’m the one who saw his first steps and taught him how to use The Force while playing Wii Lego Star Wars.
That was me. His real every day 24/7/365 mommy.
I give the time outs. I’m the one who tries to find the toothpaste that he’ll tolerate without screaming his head off when we brush his teeth. I read and sing Snuggle Puppy in just the right way.
I am his real mommy. I am his parent.
IT TAKES TWO
Because our family was formed by adoption, Alex needs two different kinds of mothers to make one whole in his life. His birthmom plus his real mom (parent). It’s a combination that has become completely normal in our lives.
I wanted to be a mother. I didn’t care how I arrived at my destination. Through the amazing miracle that is adoption I got what I selfishly wanted. To be someone’s numero uno, a mother.
I believe there is no one in the universe meant to be my child except for my son Alex. If the only way I could have him as my son was by enduring unsuccessful infertility treatments and then experiencing open adoption, then so be it.
Adoption is often second choice, but it is not second best.
ADOPTION RESOURCES
Several of my favorite adoption resources are:
Adoptive Families Magazine
Ms. Birthmom’s Weblog
PACT: An Adoption Alliance
Tapestry Books
- Dear Birthmother, Thank You for Our Baby by Silber & Speedlin
- Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born by Jamie Lee Curtis
Cynthia Werry is a freelance writer/editor living in San Jose, CA with her son Alex and husband Dave. You can read more of her adventures in adoption and other fun things on her blog The Good Enough Witch and join her on her weight loss journey at Wii Fit Mommies – Cool Mom Guide to Fitness.
ABOUT Cynthia
Cynthia Werry has been a freelance writer & blogger for years. Writing such exciting things as refer{read more}
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Bless you for writing this. I hate when people ask the dreaded “her real mom” questions about my girls. Being able to reproduce does not automatically make you a real mom. Loving your child unconditionally makes you a “real mom” and whether you gave birth to them or whether you adopted them makes no difference.
The real mom question bothers me more and more as my child gets older and more aware. It just makes me crazy.
The real mom question bothers me, but what is the worst is when people ask if my kids are related or brother and sister (two are adopted). Um I’m pretty sure that since they are all my kids that they must be related as in brother and sister.
Yep, the “real mom” comment is a tough one. Did I mention I was crying when I wrote this? But I wanted to share it, so other real mommies like me know they’re not alone.
That always helps I think.
I’ve heard comments like that from my family in referring to my daughter (who was conceived using donor eggs). The fear was that if we told her of her origins (and we will, as the questions arise), someday she would go searching for her “real” mother. Ugh.
My daughter placed my first granddaughter in a home of open adoption. from the other side of things, the birth mother is often asked ” you just gave your baby away?!?” as if she was a pair of old shoes and my daughter had not given it much thought. Over the years people along the way have said some really rude things to my daughter. Heart breaking to say the least. It just shows they have no CLUE what adoption is all about and have obviously never experienced it first hand on either side of the issue. I just don’t want to believe that people are that intensive on purpose.
As an adoptive mom of a 4 year old, I hear things like this all the time. I think that each time I help educate a person to how this works, I like to think of it as a way to open up another door for families who are waiting patiently for their bundle of joy to enter their lives.
Thank you for sharing! This is so true. I am the adoptive (but oh so real) mother to 4 miracles and I call the woman who gave birth to them their birthmothers too. That is what my oldest calls her as well. I tell my kids that it takes a special kind of love for a birthmother to give up her child to provide the best care for that child and it takes a special kind of love for a woman to adopt and become their mother. My oldest is 13yo and will quickly tell you her story because she is proud of her story and I know my youngest 3 will feel the same way when they are old enough to understand. I also have 2 open (as in we still communicate) but private (as in we didn’t use an agency) adoptions. I love the power of adoption to build families. God Bless!
Thank you! I am printing this out, and sending it to my mom – my REAL mom, who is also the woman who adopted me at seven months. It is such a recurring hurtful thing to encounter, this “but what about your real mom” question.
Thank you again to all of you for sharing your intimate feelings with me and the rest of the world about what it means to be someone’s ‘real mom’. As I state in the post, I believe the key to all this is education and educating people that we are our children’s “real mommies’ every single day of their lives.
We are their constants.