One of my sons was not blessed with the social gene. Now, there is nothing wrong with being introverted. It is, however, very difficult to pull off if you are in a family with 5 other people – all of whom wrote the “Extroverted for Dummies” book. Bless his heart. He has always wanted nothing more than peace and quiet, and a good book. Well, at least he is provided with the books.

Even though I know you cannot force shy people to be outgoing, it is very hard in our culture to not believe that as a parent, it is your duty to make them gregarious. Teachers will tell you this. You will be encouraged to have play dates, even though your child will be furious for hours. You will end up entertaining the other child, who is bouncing off the wall and driving you insane as well, but your child will have some socialization. I tried this for years with my son with very little success.  And then I came to a few conclusions.

• Don’t allow your shy child to stay home by himself all day every day. Do provide opportunities to play and socialize with other children.  But keep in mind that you should keep these to a shorter duration and they don’t have to occur everyday.
• After a particularly social time, allow your child some “alone” time to decompress.
• Most children like this do not respond well to “grilling” by mom after socialization. Keep your questions short and limit them.  “Does Kenny like Legos too?” will probably have a better response from your child than,”Tell me everything you and Kenny talked about.”
• Work as a team with your child’s teacher to help him have some alone time during the school day. When my son was in kindergarten, he wanted to eat lunch by himself.  The teacher was alarmed. However, after I explain to her that he was in a family of 6 that entertained frequently, and in a classroom of 18 that was together for 7 hours, she agreed that he could choose to sit alone a few days a week.  By providing this time for him, he was able to integrate back into the classroom for the afternoon with less stress to him.
• Don’t expect your child to have the same social tendencies as you, your husband, or other family members.
• Allow for quiet alone time each day – especially on holidays. Christmas was very stressful for our shy son until we learned that we could slow down, spread the gifts and visits out over the full day, and allow him time to go read quietly for short periods during the day.

By remembering that my son’s shyness was a part of his personality, I was able to be less upset when we pulled up for our weekly playgroup in the park and he would grumble, “I didn’t know other people would be here.” He is now a well-adjusted high school freshman participating in many clubs and activities.  But, he still likes that alone time!

What experiences have you encountered raising a shy child?  Do you have any tips for other parents of introverts?  Join us at the  BD Forum to discuss this topic.

Debbie is busy raising three outgoing children and one introvert.  She writes about the craziness of life at SuburbSanity.