By SarahB | Leave A Comment
I received the below comment in response to a post recently. A reader asked for some feedback on her situation and I thought I would address it. Keep in mind, any advice I give is solely based on my personal step-experiences, and is my opinion only. I have edited for space purposes:
I have been a step-mother before and am considering it again. The problem I have now is I am seriously dating someone I dated a few years ago. When we broke up back then he went back to his ex “because of the kids.” So, there are some weird jealousies I am dealing with in regard to that. I never would have dated him then if I had known he still had feelings for her (I don’t like the ‘for the kids line’-I never went back to my ex.).
Anyway, fast forward, and we are back together. Yesterday he told me (I asked) that he bought his ex flowers (he also bought the same for his own mother and sister). He was so sweet and bought me a more special present as I also have a child by my first husband. I am so worried about how I am feeling and how I can deal with these jealous feelings I am having.
He says he worries all the time I will continue to rub the fact that he went back to her in his face, but when things like this happen it hits me in the stomach. I simply don’t want him to do things for her anymore. My ex didn’t give me anything from my son and I didn’t think a thing of it. My mom helped my son get me something, which makes me more comfortable and him too. I think I am carrying around a lot of anger on how my first husband didn’t have boundaries and I don’t want to look jealous and pathetic. Can anyone give me some words of wisdom? It seems easier to say than do.
First of all, I’m glad you stopped by and commented. I can see where there is some room for hurt feelings in this situation, but I’m guessing that your boyfriend’s intent was harmless: He didn’t want his children to not have a gift for their mom. Perhaps the children asked for his help? It’s likely he doesn’t see the buying of flowers as doing something for her, but for the children. Maybe you and your boyfriend can brainstorm ways that he can help facilitate gift giving from his children for his mom, in which his involvement is not so primary. An excellent example mentioned in an earlier post was providing the children with crafts and letting them make their own gifts for her (rather than flowers). The age of the kids is a factor as well, and I think the older they get, the more they will be able to facilitate gift giving on their own.
When my husband and I first started dating, I remember a day his ex called and asked for his help fixing her clothes dryer (laughable, really, because he is not and was not ever mechanically inclined!), and then another day to borrow his iron. At the time, he was doing those things (or attempting) because he felt like it had to be done for his son – he wanted the home in which his son lived to be a good one without broken screen doors (and wrinkly pants, I suppose). Those tasks made me uncomfortable though – and I felt she could find someone else to help her with those home improvement tasks. When my then-boyfriend stopped jumping up to help, she did.
As you probably know, stepparenting isn’t easy. There are many players in the game, and there is no one right way to do things – what you and your boyfriend need to do is find a way that works for the two of you.
Do you have any “been there/done that” advice for our commenter?
Photo credit: Tony the Misfit on Flickr
ABOUT SarahB
Sarah is a wife, and a mother to two daughters, aged 8 and 5. She's is the stepmother to a 14-year-{read more}
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Jealousy is natural.
There, I said it! Everyone feel better now? Good. Moving on…
Jealousy is natural because it comes from our base instinct to retain a mate for breeding and companionship purposes. It’s one of our most base emotions, and one of the most dangerous.
You need to identify the underlying issue here. It’s not that he went back to her… It’s that you worry he’s going to do it again, and your heart is going to be broken again, and you resent him prematurely for leaving you all over again. In truth, this has very little to do with the ex or the kids…it has everything to do with you.
The best thing you can do is own up to it. Start the conversation after the kids are put to bed. Open a bottle of wine, sit down at the table, and talk about your feelings. Explain how YOU feel. Explain why YOU worry. This isn’t about him or what he did. It’s what you hope he’s not going to do.
Then, discuss all the reasons why you really trust him and want to be with him. Why are you with him now? Does he treat you well? Do you -really- trust him with your life? With your heart? Are you censoring your heart a little by feeling like you have to keep your jealousy bottled up so that you don’t hurt him?
A good, understanding mate will take into account what you’ve said and how you feel, but you can’t expect him to be telepathic here. Just like he can’t expect you to understand why he got her flowers without telling you why. The OP is correct – he probably was just making sure the kidlets had something to give on Mom’s Day.
What it comes down to is trust. You need to trust him enough to stay with you. Even moreso, you need to trust YOURSELF enough to tell him how you’re feeling. Only then can you both deal with it.
Good luck. It’s not an easy path to follow, but it’s better than the distrustful jealousy you’re feeling…trust me.
I feel where you’re coming from and it’s so real. I’ve been a step mom for nearly 10 years. In the beginning my hubby and his ex were at major odds and fighting even though their marriage was over 9 years prior. My story is a bit different but I do understand fully the jealous feelings.
In the beginning I was jealous of the kids…crazy I know but true. I grew up where divorce was not an option and didn’t have anyone in my close circle in my situation. The kids came in the summer and BAM all of a sudden the one on one time I had with my boyfriend (at the time) was zapped. Talk about a rude awakening I had it!
It took a couple years for this to sink in and I became an advocate for hubby spending as much one on one time with the kids as possible. He took dance lessons with his daughter one summer, played ball with his son and soon the jealousy was replaced with love for his children.
Both my hubby and I thought it would be a very good idea for his children’s sake for he and his ex to mend fences. Hubby was the first one to break the ice with his ex and ask if they could stop the fighting. He started buying her flowers for mother’s day and helping the kids with Christmas gifts and birthday gifts. Granted she totally lived out of state and those things didn’t bother me and I even encouraged it. Now 10 years later with the kids all grown (one still in college) I can honestly say it gets easier in time and the kids truly benefit when their parents can be friends.
When we’re in town hubby and I have lunch with his ex, she invites us into her home, hubby does little things around the house for her…HOWEVER…I think it would be hard if we lived there as I wouldn’t want her taking over our lives. But while we’re in town visiting she is so kind to me, she thanks me for being so good to her children, and the kids even send Happy Mother’s Day wishes to me nowadays.
I understand how difficult this is for you though given your situation and I want to be sympathetic to you. Sometimes doing the right thing can be so difficult as it’s so hard to put our selfish ways aside. I think what we really need to feel is the love we so need from our husbands/boyfriends and remember they ultimately picked us. After that, it’s learning the right balance and giving our husbands/boyfriends our blessing knowing that we are so loved dearly by them. In the end trust and love blossoms and thorns fade.
Blessings – Debbie
Debbie – WOW! I think you have quite a nice situation going there. My husband and I have been together 12 years and we could not be farther from that scenario. I would love for him and his ex to get along but she is dead set on making our life as miserable as possible. She has also remarried and has two children with her new husband. In my mind it could be SO much easier. Actually, I may be a little jealous of you! LOL
As for the original post – I can see why you would have those feelings. I think I would have a difficult time dealing with that situation as well, especially since you had previously broke up. But, the good guys do have a warped sense of what they need to do to be ‘good’ Dads. If they don’t buy the gifts or the flowers who will? It’s not their children’s fault they can’t go to the store and I am sure he does not want his children to feel bad because they didn’t have anything for their mother. I think the best thing to do is keep the lines of communication open and be sure not to place blame. “I feel” statements often work the best instead of “You always”. I would have loved to have had this advice and outlet when I first got remarried!!
Hope all goes well.
I am a mom/stepmom of four children. I can certainly understand your sensitivity to this situation. I do think though, that because flowers were bought for others as well, its more a situation of trying to do “nice” or right by others, not over the top involvement. The issue perhaps is more that you are concerned that you won’t be chosen if indeed a choice comes up in the future. This is a delicate trust issue and one that needs a mediator or counselor to help with. There is an excellent resource for those kind of discussions from a stepdad who’s been there. Stepcoach Bob Collins of Stepcarefully.com
My ex husband and his parents some years do send me flowers to honor me for rearing his children, to acknowledge and honor that role in their lives. We are not the best of friends (my ex) yet because we choose consistently to put our children first, we have buried many hatchets that would otherwise still cut. I had my children send cards as well as call their brand new stepmom on Sunday. No, its not my job, and she’s new to their world, but because she is in their lives, and will be, it is to our best interest to work together even though we come from polar opposite views on life. We are choosing to have truce days….holidays being some of them. We choose to set aside grievances we may have to hash out at other times (like what day they actually leave for summer visitation) and let family days stay peaceful.
Jealousy is an emotion often out of fear, frustration, or lack of control in a given situation. A feeling of left out mess of frustration….or fear of that. In your situation I can so relate that it might be concerning, but then again, its also true that your friend chose to put his children first…and that is a tough, rare in a man or woman thing to do too….it may have had little or nothing to do with he and his wife’s relationship together, but his need to rear his own children, which is not an easy reality when you share them in two homes. If you cannot find peace with his decision to do that, or trust that it was indeed his children he clung to, then perhaps it is time to re evaluate if there is a future, for she will come up time and time again in your life and his.
Mistrust often accompanies jealousy, so weigh carefully where this is coming from, relationships with step and blended situations are tough enough without starting off without trust.
Sorry you’re having this heart hurt….I really am!
I am on the other side of the fence here and I guess it just really depends on the individuals and the situation. I always purchase things for my former spouse for Father’s Day and Christmas and I sign it from the kids, myself, and my husband. He, in turn, also does the same for me. We do this because it is important for our children to see that we are in agreement with one another and “for the kids’ will remain more than civil… we will remain united in parenting. I respect that he is their father and I show it by honoring him on that day. It is also my way of thanking him for bringing these amazing little men into my life. After all, I didn’t make them by myself. By including my husband there is no room for jealousy. He is a contributing partner from picking out the gift to delivering it. It has made such an impact that my former spouse even calls my husband, the boys’ bonus dad, to wish him a Happy Father’s Day each year. Peace within a family is a beautiful thing. It is much more difficult to remain in a marriage or relationship where jealousy is a factor. If you love him and see yourself in a committed relationship with him for a long time then I suggest you support him and even better, help him to honor her and thank her for the children she helped to bring into your life.