By SarahB | Leave A Comment
One of our readers emailed me the following, asking for some assistance from those of us who might have some input to offer:
Here is my story.
Six kids. Five girls and one boy. Ages: Three oldest: High school age, Three youngest: 8 years, two toddlers
His story.
One child. Son. Age: 5 years
We are talking about moving in together. In July we are going to have a sit down talk to work out everything. Money, rules, kids, etc.
- What advice do you have and/or the readers?
- What things should I bring up, should I put on the table?
- What rules should there be?
- What do you wish you had talked about before the move in? What do you wish you knew.
I don’t care how trivial they are… something trivial might be HUGE for me.
First and foremost, I wanted to let you know that I think you and your significant other are being really smart by sitting down in the beginning to talk this through – to talk about your expectations and to work out the details. A lot of people skip this step and it’s probably going to be a huge plus in the future that you took the time to sit down and discuss the details – large and small.
I think, particularly since you have “his” and “hers” children, a key point of discussion should probably be: How do you parent each other’s children? In some families, both adults act as parental authorities to all kids. In some families, he would parent his child, you would parent your own. Some parents don’t want their partner parenting or disciplining children that aren’t theirs. You need to decide how you feel – your boyfriend, as well.
Another topic worth discussing is how you will handle your finances. Will you pool your money into a joint account? Keep things separate, or perhaps go with the three part approach (mine, his, ours)? Again, there are advantages to each method and the two of you will want to consider which will work best for your purposes. Don’t forget to take into account your spending habits and money styles.
Perhaps you’ll want to consider what the schedule will be – if the children are custodial, will you want to coordinate their weekends with their noncustodial parent, perhaps?
I am turning this over to the readers now. What else will she want to consider? Anything you wish you had known in the beginning?
Photo credit: 13Bobby on Flickr
ABOUT SarahB
Sarah is a wife, and a mother to two daughters, aged 8 and 5. She's is the stepmother to a 14-year-{read more}
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When my husband and I talked about getting married, we spent some time discussing what our priorities are. My older daughter is from my first marriage, and until she graduates from high school, I’m committed to staying in the same neighborhood as her father. I made that commitment long before my new husband and I met, so it’s important to me to honor that commitment, no matter what my husband’s interest in moving might be. So, we talked about things like that [for each of us] that would be deal-breakers.
You don’t mention getting married. If you’re not considering it, I would ask, do you view this relationship as a long-term commitment? If so, are there reasons you are not interested in getting married? Do those reasons also cause you to re-consider moving in? I cast no judgment here….everyone’s situation is different. But I do firmly believe that once we’re parents, we owe our children as stable and loving a home as we can possibly provide. So, if you are not considering marriage simply because you and your significant other don’t feel ready to commit to it yet, then I would also say, it will be too disruptive to the kids if this doesn’t work out.
I’ll also throw this tidbit out there: Figure out how you’ll deal with schedules, carpooling, who gets permission to do what. When you’re in a relationship, it means you have someone to help with all of those things. But neither party can assume the other will be able to drive the kids to school, or that they can definitely go to a meeting tonight because surely their partner will stay with the kids. Figure out now how you’ll decide.
I think one issue that needs to be discussed is discipline. Are you going to discipline the other kids other than your own, or are you only going to discipline your own kid[s]? Are there going to be the same rules for all the kids?
House rules. Common courtesy rules, such as cleaning up after yourself, cleaning their own rooms and laundry. Also, respect and consideration for everyone in the house.
Phone. Do the kids have cell phones or will they be using the home phone to make calls? How long will they be allowed to use the phone? What if someone else needs to make a call?
Friends. When and how often can friends visit?
Will there be consequences for not following the house rules?
What about chores? Will each kid have chores to do? Will the list rotate or will each kid have the same chores to do week after week?
Meals. Will everyone eat the same thing? If not, who is going to make the extra meals? Is the child going to be responsible for making his/her own meal, if he/she doesn’t want to eat what is being served?
Computer. How many computers in the house are there? Will there be a time frame that each kid can be allowed to use the computer? How will computer usage be monitored? Will there be a keystroke software package on the computer to check what the kids are doing on the computer?
Good luck!
I agree wholeheartedly with Laura – and I think i want to doubly emphasize this point: no matter what the situation is, I think it’s definitely important to not assume the role your significant other will take. I don’t think it’s fair for partners to assume the other will help pick up the slack with the kids that aren’t theirs.
I think you’ll find that he’ll help you and you’ll help him – but it makes it so much less of a hot button issue if courtesy is used and the both of you ask each other for assistance when needed.
Definitely – and I think there are going to be different issues based on the ages of the children. I think the issues will be different for the different kids – ie. for the high school children, adapting might bring up different issues than with your younger kids.
Thank you all sooooo much for the advice, tips, etc.
Some of them I had thought of, and other’s I had not considered.
* Carpooling, driving kids to school, etc, it was not on my list and should have been!
* Food is the other one. My kids will eat ANYTHING, and his son will only eat mac and cheese, I’ve found myself making a separate meal for him (last night in fact) than I had made for the rest of the family. That is an issue for me, I have always taught my children that they eat what is there…. period.
* Discipline, that is important to me, being a single mom on and off for 17 years and the main disciplinarian, it is necessary for raising successful children. However I do need to sit down and think what I expect from him.
* Marriage/Handfasting, Yes, we are discussing it and moving forward with that step. We made the commitment to one another that, it is not fair to the kids if we move in with one foot out the door.
* Computers, Right now I have three computers in my home. We will be down to two when he and I move in together, I have been pondering those ideas on how to deal with them.
You are all such a wonderful group… Thanks a ton!
Huge Thanks to Sarah for listening to me…and setting this up for answers!