Joe Schlabotnik

The Ten Commandments of Sending a Child to College

When I sent my oldest off to college, I dropped him at the door and said, “Good luck.”

His roommate’s parents hovered for a week.

The next week, there was an article in the local paper about these hover parents, and how hard it is for their children to adjust to college with them hanging around. A week later, I got a letter from my son’s college, asking the parents to please, “GO HOME!”

Whether it’s your first child or your last, there is a certain amount of maternal trauma involved in sending him/her off to college. This is perfectly understandable, of course, but when colleges have to send letters and hold seminars to help parents understand their role in their ADULT child’s education, some basic rules of etiquette seem to be in order.

For those of you who have not yet gotten your memo, I offer the following Ten Commandments. Thou shalt break them at thine own risk.

1. Thou shalt not hover. By the time they’re off to college, they are old enough to vote, to be drafted, and to get married without permission from you. They are done, cooked, finished. Take pride in the parenting skills that got them this far and back off.

2. Thou shalt not complain about roommates. (Nor should you have any say in the choice of said roommate). You taught your child how to choose his friends wisely. Let him.

3. Thou shalt send care packages (but infrequently). Your kid loves his favorite cookies or an Amazon gift card, but don’t overdo it. It’s nice once in a while. More than that, and you become the object of ridicule in the Student Union building.

4. Thou shalt expect your child to live within a reasonable budget. Set it in advance. He runs out, and he eats in the cafeteria every meal.

5. Thou shalt not worry if you do not hear from your child. College kids are busy. They have new lives that don’t involve you. They know where to find you if they need something.

6. Thou shalt get an Instant Messenger account. This is actually the easiest way to get ahold of your college kid in a pinch. They don’t always answer their cell phones, and they frequently leave emails from Mom in the circular file. But when their computer dings, they answer.

7. Thou shalt not, ever, contact a professor on your child’s behalf. They aren’t in Kansas anymore. They have to learn to deal with the real world. Besides, if Mommy calls the professor, it makes the student look foolish.

8. Thou shalt buy dormitory insurance. A number of student organizations sell reasonable insurance for campus accommodations. Yes, they are covered by your homeowners insurance, but at the same deductible that you have. We learned this the hard way.

9. Thou shalt send your student with condoms. Male or female, make sure he/she has a stack. Tuck them into the luggage on the way out the door. No matter what you think about the ethics of premarital sex, there’s a lot of it going on. Mom and Dad can fix a lot of things for their children; AIDS isn’t one of them.

10. Thou shalt have patience with your new Know-it-All. They can’t help it. Parents lose fifty IQ points when their kids go to college. Smile, and be happy that they’re safe.