It is funny the things people say to you when you are part of an adopted-family. Things people would never say to someone who was pregnant – or who had birthed a child.

The good-intentioned comments can be naive, and quite honestly cold-hearted. In the 4 years we’ve been on an adoption journey, we’ve had some crazy things said to us. Most aren’t mean-spirited, many made me take a step back and say “huh“, and others truly left me speechless.

When we started out to adopt a child from Russia, we never imagined we would be sitting here, 4+ years later, waiting for a court date. To answer the questions I know will come:

1.  Yes – we know the child.  We met her when she was 2 – now she is 6.

2. Yes – we plan on seeing this through to the end.

3. No – we will not stop the battle to bring her home.

4. Yes – we have met her, we travel to Russia every year to see her; and communicate with her via email, letters and phone calls.

I want to share some things people have said to us – not to laugh as much as to educate.  The adoption process is a very personal, very emotional pregnancy.  For me, I’ve been “pregnant” (or as they say in the adoption community – ‘paperwork pregnant’) for over 4 years.

Here are some examples:

• “When are you going to look in the mirror and admit that this adoption might not happen?”
• “Why in the world would you want to start another family again at YOUR age?” my husband is over 50…isn’t 50 the new 30?
• “Are you SURE you want to do this?”
• “I just don’t understand buying a baby”
• “What happened to her birth-mother?  Why doesn’t she want this kid?”
• “You know the child will have all kinds of problems…”
• “Does it bother you that she doesn’t look just like you”
• When we are introduced to someone, generally we are introduced as “this is that couple who has been trying to adopt from Russia” this is always followed with the sad-face-head-tilt followed by a sigh
• “It seems you are just throwing away good money after bad”
• “Why don’t you just adopt from somewhere else?” and leave our little girl in an orphanage?  BAD idea!
• “Why a foreign country?  There are plenty of kids here that need homes”
• “Why would you want to go to Russia, don’t you know that the devil lives and breathes there?” …that one was too much. Anyone that knows anything about being a Christian knows anywhere the devil is – so is Christ. So, yes, that is EXACTLY where I want to be! And, to take that a step further – If the devil was ‘living and breathing’ there…why would I want to leave my daughter there?
• “How much is this going to cost?” or “How much money have you lost?” I’ve started to follow up this question with ‘how much money do you make in a year?’ – that generally gets my point across
• “so-and-so adopted from Russia, and it took them less than a year. You should call them“. I completely understand the logic and helpful spirit that is behind this kind of comment. And, for a long time – I hunted down and talked to TONS of these families. I quickly found that was a complete waste of time. This is why. Each region in Russia operates independently. Basically, it’s like each region (state) is a different country. Unless the family who has adopted did so from the same region, the same orphanage, and using the same legal team - there is nothing that they can say, and no information they can provide that will be helpful to us.

If you know someone who is in the process of an adoption, or is ‘paperwork pregnant’, choose your words carefully. Every adoption story is unique, and filled with blessings and heartache.  As a pre-adoptive-parent (a PAP), I can tell you that we PAPs have good days and bad days.  Please be respectful of the fact we’re going through an intensely emotional process, and when the time is right, you will know details.

Adoption isn’t for everyone. Likewise, birthing a child isn’t for everyone! I know there are people out there who don’t understand why we’re still fighting, and I know that there are even those out there who don’t support our fight. So be it. To the naysayers, and on behalf of all pre-adtopive-parents, I say this…UNTIL YOU’VE WALKED A MILE IN MY 3″ STILETTOS, KEEP YOUR COMMENTS AND ATTITUDE TO YOURSELF.

When Kathy isn’t working on documents for the adoption or planning a trip to Russia, she is a wardrobe coach.  You can follow the Friend Family adoption journey at www.BringAnyaHome.Blogspot.com – or visit Kathy’s fashion tips blog at www.fashionanswers.blogspot.com