By ohamanda | Leave A Comment
When my daughter, my firstborn, was days old I finally understood what everyone said about loving your kids. My heart was ripped open and the love I felt for her was astounding. I spent her nursing sessions sobbing and thanking God for making me a mom.
When I was pregnant with my second, I was actually looking forward to that swell of emotions. I so wanted to be in love with my new son the way I was with my daughter. But when they put him in my arms for the first time I was flabbergasted. Who was this little person? And why didn’t I know him?
Twelve days of breastfeeding pain and sleepless nights caused me to snap at my husband during dinner. He asked what was wrong and I blurted out, “This has been the worst twelve days of my life!” I couldn’t believe I didn’t feel that same huge overflow of love and sweet emotions.
I felt like I had discovered a dark motherhood secret! Why didn’t anyone tell me it was going to be so hard? Why didn’t they tell me my heart was going to feel divided–wanting to love my newborn while giving the same attention I always had to my firstborn?
Now that my son is four months old and hindsight is twenty/twenty I’ve seen the slow warmth of love grow and burst into a flame. I kiss his little toes the same way I kissed my daughter’s. I breathe in the scent of him the way I did as a first time mom. My heart leaps when he snuggles into my arms.
When you have your first child a secret door in your heart is ripped open. When your second child is born, the door is already open—no ripping required. Instead, this new baby begins slowly filling that place up with more love—expanding and increasing the size of this secret place.
Photo by Sarahlein*
You can find Amanda balancing her two kids on her daily blog, ohamanda.com, or trying to impress them at her crafty kids’ blog, Impress Your Kids! All while hiding her twittering from them at @oohamanda.
ABOUT ohamanda
Amanda is a stay-at-home mom to two. She blogs her daily life, tivo choices, favorite books and choc{read more}
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I don’t know that this is just a child #2 occurrence.
When I had child #2 I was also anxiously awaiting the rush of emotion. When he was born, I could not wait to get my hands on that baby! I wanted to kiss him, smell him, hold him, watch him, and basically climb to the top of a mountain, hold him aloft, and scream, “Look what I did!”
Fast forward 4 years. I was ecstactically awaiting that same rush with the birth of child #3. It didn’t happen. I wanted it to, but it just wouldn’t. The lack of emotion at birth was just the tip of a 6-month hell of post-partum depression.
I love the boy immensely, but it took time, a patient hubby, an incredibly sensitive and perceptive doctor, and medication to help me get there.
My experience was the other way around, but I am familiar with those feelings.
I’ve never heard anyone else match my thoughts on this subject. When my son was born I literally remember thinking, “I don’t know you.” Whereas I knew my firstborn daughter immediately.
Obviously, this changed and now I can’t get enough of my son. But the shock of our first meeting will never leave – he was a stranger . . . and now a cuddle monster who I can’t imagine never knowing.
Thanks for sharing this link with me. I already “knew” my first two kids before they were born. I was so bonded to them already, at birth. but this third baby has thrown me for a loop. I just don’t know her. I don’t have that overwhelming bond and connection with her yet. It’s a crummy feeling, but I remind myself it’s normal…and we’ll get there eventually!